What happens when the resolutions, goals and dreams that we have are different than those of our partner? The first answer is always to communicate, obviously that is the “right” answer, but what does it really mean, “to communicate”? For me, communication means talking, writing, using words and nauseum to express myself. Ironically, I am inclined to pick partners who use far fewer words than I do. Most of the time, that’s a benefit, but not so much when there are conflicts. Differences are so easily handled when life is going well, but when things gets difficult, the differences become huge.
Over the years, my career, family and personal self-direction has sent me to workshops, self-help books and meditation, all with a basic underlying message of how to resolve conflict, but life has made me a tiny bit cynical.That’s where I was when I came to Tokii, but the DiscoveryGames surprised me, for the first time, I saw a tool that I really believe can help a couple build a stronger understanding of each other. With almost 10,000 games played in just over three months, I’m guessing that I am not alone in thinking this.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that self-help works. When I apply it to my self-improvement, I end up feeling emotionally stronger and a little wiser. But self-help only works when I stop pointing the finger at my partner. My self-help can’t be about changing him, or it doesn’t help me. If he needs to change, that must come from him.
As part of a couple, there is no guarantee that we will be going in the same direction for 50 years. New Year’s eve can be the night, that without thinking, a resolution is made with no consideration of the impact it will have on my partner. When one considers that few New Year’s resolutions succeed, that can cause a lot of unnecessary conflict.
I may make assumptions that he is prepared to do whatever it takes to help me meet my goal, without me considering what his goals for the year are. That’s when goals can collide.
This past week while planning this article, I was dealing with an expectation that didn’t measure up. While driving home, I had one of those “aha” moments. Expectations can lead to disappointments… limit unrealistic expectations to limit disappointments.
Obviously, I will never eliminate all expectations, nor would I want to. It’s the unrealistic expectations that I want to focus on avoiding. That’s especially important when I may be counting on significant support from my partner. It’s hardly fair to be setting him up with an unrealistic set of circumstances, that is bound to cause conflict between us.
A successfully accomplished goal is important, when we asked Tokii members, “If I accomplish my goal, how is my partner most likely to see the results?”, both men and women believe that a successful goal will make their relationship happier.
This year’s resolution? I will think long and hard about how to make sure that it’s a goal that I am really committed too. Then I’ll problem solve, to make sure that it is a realistic goal for me. Then, and only then, will I sit with my partner, at a time when neither of us are distracted and spend some time talking about it with him, and make sure that I am actively listening to his thoughts, concerns and commitment to helping me. That’s the biggest step to successfully reaching my goal
Visit Tokii.com and play the DiscoveryGame When Goals Collide by Dr. Laurence Hunt’s and learn more.
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