If you spend any amount of time with someone else in confined circumstances, sooner or later they’re going to get on your nerves. This is true of any two human beings; throw in the emotional baggage of shared responsibilities, stresses, and the fact that you actually love the other person, then sparks can really start flying.
It can be about big issues like money troubles or problems with kids, or little things like toothpaste caps or the “right” way to fold towels. When blow-ups happen we all have our own way of expressing ourselves and getting over it. The better you know how your partner is feeling makes things a whole lot easier to digest.
For instance, when I get mad at my husband Al, it comes on fast and strong, and leaves at about the same pace. So I’ll be yelling at him about something he did earlier in the day, and literally five minutes later I’ll be asking him if he wants me to pick up a coffee while I’m out. Al, on the other hand, is not quick to anger, it has to simmer for a long time before he’ll get upset. When he does get mad, however, he’s fit to be tied for hours on end, and it’s made all the worse because I’m completely over whatever it was we were fighting about in the first place.
We’re completely different temperaments, and that’s why for us it’s so important to discuss how we’re feeling, even if we’re too busy to have a heart-to-heart sit down. It’s part of the reason we built Tokii in the first place. The MoodMeter lets us know what we’re in for before we make it home.
But as the site has grown, our depth of understanding has too. We’ve built several of our Discovery Games to try and deal with issues around conflict. Our users not only open up about how they deal with problems and frustrations, but how they think their partner does as well. The differences can be a little intimidating. For instance, we’re clearly seeing a divide on what causes conflict between the sexes, money is a touchstone for most of our women, while men are irritated largely by bedroom issues. “Arguments about money and sex are never about money and sex. Surprise! Those things almost always represent something bigger—core values—such as respect, security, and dignity.” Vivian Scott, Certified Family Mediation Practitioner – Author of Conflict Resolution for Dummies. Regardless of what’s upsetting us, it’s instructive to know that both the sexes think setting ground rules for “fights” is a good idea. David Simonsen, a couple’s therapist, lists his most important rules of engagement as “Never go to a parent complaining about what your significant other is or isn’t doing.”
We’ve compiled the most striking data from the Tokii Community and run it by our group of relationship experts, and they’ve had some great insights as well. Here’s what we’ve come up with. We hope you find it as enlightening as we do and encourage you to try our conflict games with your partner on Tokii.com today. See if you can’t learn something new about your partner, and yourself!
The numbers are in, and the Tokii Community put in their two cents when it comes to how they cope when there’s trouble in paradise. I think one of our more telling statistics was that men appreciate ground rules during a spat (our numbers say 63%). We know more about our spouses and partners than anybody else, and we all know exactly how to turn the screws and what cheap shots sting the worst. Deborah Cooper, relationships professional, had this to say on the matter: “There are three ground rules to follow; No name calling or hitting below the belt, If it happened more than a week ago, let it go, and listen twice as much as you talk.”
Of course, we’ve also nailed down what not to say. That means the ladies should lay off the “Calm downs” and the fellas should refrain from the “You don’t understands”. They’re buttons that simply should not be pushed. Rinatta Paries, relationship coach explains further: “Men hate to hear “you don’t understand” because they view themselves as logical creatures”. In short, “You don’t understand” translates to “You’re stupid”.
Love isn’t easy, but it’s always worth trying to sort out problems and being honest with our partners. Fighting isn’t a high point on anybody’s list of things to do, but make up sex is!
♥ Karla, Tokii Founder
Try these DiscoveryGames for yourself.