You’ve heard the complaints. “He won’t talk to me”or “She never shuts up.” Communication is a big problem for an awful lot of couples. For many, it’s the number one problem — the hinge that will either hold the partnership together or send it careening down the highway of relationships past. There is one place where talk isn’t a problem though: the bedroom.
Talk Dirty To Me
A 2011 survey conducted by online sex toy retailer Adam & Eve found that:
- 12 percent said dirty talk was always part of their lovemaking.
- 33 percent said they sometimes engage in phonetic foreplay.
- 29 percent admitted they rarely performed linguistic cunnilingus with their partner
- 18 percent said they are never down with scintillating syntax
- Strangely, two percent of people refused to answer, begging the question, “What are you doing at adamandeve.com?”
“Dirty talk is a great way to mix it up in the bedroom, be spontaneous and communicate exactly what you want in bed. It doesn’t even need to be much… a well placed word here or there in the bedroom can speak volumes,” said Chad Davis, director of marketing at Adam & Eve. Well said, Chad.
The Do’s of Dirty Talk
One person’s fantasy can be a partner’s libido killer, so if you’re new to sex speak it’s usually best to start slow. Committed couples probably have a good idea of their partners’ proclivities in bed but, often, it’s hard to keep quiet in the throes of passion. Guys can be especially insensitive to a lover’s feelings, so a little forethought in the dirty talk department can determine whether you’ll end up making love or making up. Before shouting, “Oh yeah, just like that you dirty slut!,” remember that this is the person you’ve chosen to make car payments and babies with. Here are some things guys can say to turn her on without getting kicked out of bed:
- “You.” As in “You are so sexy,” “You feel so good,” or “You are so beautiful,” NOT, as Lisa Jones says in her essay Talk to Her!, “You do good work.” When our lover actually said those words to her, “It made me feel like a whore,” she confesses.
- “It’s okay for us to go slow.” Nothing builds trust like that one, says Jones.
- “I want to make you feel good.” This had better be true or you don’t deserve to be in a relationship.
- “You amaze me.” Let her know how awesome she is and see where it gets you. (Hint: laid — a lot.)
Now it’s time to ramp it up but, before you open your mouth, “Imagine her with clothes on for just a second,” says David Copeland, coauthor of How to Talk to Women. “You make me think dirty thoughts.” She’ll usually respond with something like, “Oh yeah, like what?” Now that you have a dialogue going, both partners can feel free to participate in a little syntactic one-upsmanship.
“Know that you are likely to offend [her] at some point,“ says Copeland. “When this happens, revert immediately to PG-rated compliments, a la, “Did I mention that lovely freckle on your thigh?“
A 2008 poll of 10,000 people by the magazine Men’s Health had some surprising findings that can definitely put both partners at ease when it comes to slips of the tongue. For instance:
- 81 percent of women want to have sex toys used on them.
- 80 percent of women want their partner to watch them touch themselves.
- 72 percent want to watch porn with their lover.
- 66 percent of women want to be handcuffed in bed.
- 64 percent of women want to have sex in a public place.
Here are a few things the experts say you should never say in the sack:
- “Do you want to take a shower first?” (Now she thinks you think she’s dirty. Nice going, dude.)
- Sports metaphors. Never say something as stupid as “Gooooooooooooooal!” or “He shoots, he scores.” Seriously.
- “Are those real?” If you don’t know, don’t ask.
- Don’t talk about your ex. (i.e., “You don’t like that? Brenda used to love it when I did it to her.”)
- “Do you want to keep going?” Yes, she does.
So, now that you know the ins and outs of aural pleasure, what are you still doing here? It’s time to quit reading and start talking!
When he’s not penning posts for Tokii, award-winning Portland, Oregon writer M L Kerr takes solace in uncomfortable silences.