First, let’s define these “babies”. As kids, we’re told the distinction between a little white lie and a big, bad black one is intention. If the lie is meant to spare someone’s feelings or avoid conflict (as in, “No, I don’t at all see your third chin,” it’s probably OK. You run into an old boyfriend while out with your husband, and rather than fessing up about the old flame, you keep your mouth shut. Why? Because giving your husband that mental picture is only going to kill your buzz. It’s just not worth it, you think to yourself. But can these truth-stretches become harmful? Are they dangerous?
In my opinion, eventually yes. I think after a while being told LWLs can get insulting. Personally, I don’t appreciate the blow to my intelligence.
Experts seem to be divided into two camps on this one. Cary Weber, Ph.D. and licensed clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of Sucker Jeans says that, in his experience, everyone in a relationship operating with white lies wishes they could tell the truth, citing time efficiency, believing there will be a winner and a loser in the battle of needs and that nobody enjoys feeling judged, shamed or unloved as the three reasons why we lie in relationships.
“Conflict and demands of self-justification take more time than simply telling someone what they want to hear,” Weber said.
I wanted to get a candid take from the trenches on how lies can affect a specific relationship, so I talked to some real couples I know. While most were shy to be identified, they all had different ideas about lying to their partners. One common denominator? The longer a couple has been together, the more they are on board with little white lies. One half of an engaged couple I know firmly declared that honesty is the best policy in a relationship regardless of the topic (excluding gifts or surprises).
“To me, telling white lies creates a sense of disrespect and a lack of healthy communication in the relationship,” she said. “It may sting a bit, but it would hurt much more if I found out later that my fiance lied to me.”
The husband of a more veteran couple said that in the beginning he thought his wife of 20 years was asking certain questions because she wanted his honest opinion. “Hell no!” he said. “White lies or diversion tactics are required at this point. Let’s face it, it’s a no-win opportunity when questions are asked about looks and size.”
Weber said he does think white lies are appropriate in one type of relationship. But, unless you’re fibbing about the uses for stockpiled nuclear weapons, it doesn’t apply to you and yours.
What do you think? Have LWLs started to cause doubt in your relationship? How do you handle this? Are you 100% honest with your partner 100% of the time? When, if ever, do you think it’s OK to tell a little white lie?
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There is wisdom in the LWL’s of life, especially in a long term relationship, in my opinion. I say that, with the premise, that your relationship has the basis of honesty, loyalty and trust to begin with. In an older relationship, there has got to be tools to cope with your partner in certain situations, just to save time, as you mentioned. It actually sounds really funny to be condoning LWL’s, as I always wanted that perfect relationship where you can be completely honest and open with you partner about everything. I feel that I have that with my husband, but LWL’s are a part of it. LOL!
It’s hard to explain…..