I’ll be the first to admit it, I was raised by a father, a mother, and the TV. I am a walking vessel of the cool I’ve seen on various screens and it’s informed how I think, how I dress, and how I talk to the ladies. So when Karla asked me for ideas for this week’s “Dirty Talk” theme, I wanted to work with what I knew.
So here’s how to talk dirty, as brought to you by my understanding of film, television and popular music.
Snoop Doggy Dog’s 1992 Doggystyle:
Rap dudes know how to talk to the ladies, you pick up any hip hop album in the last 30 years and you’re going to learn something badass to say hands down, but I remember the first video for the title track, where Snoop’s girl was telling him to scram before her daddy got home. She told him “I love you” and he insisted it wasn’t him she loved, it was his “doggystyle”. This brings up some interesting arguments in academia over whether culture mirrors or effects behaviors, particularly for suburban white adolescents, but I digress.
This established some important things. Firstly, you should focus your dirty talk specifically on sex positions, that’s important, because it gives context. Secondly dirty talk shouldn’t be confined to the act of coitus exclusively, it works before and especially afterwards, where it gives you a cool aloofness that will stick in a girl’s head long after you’ve transformed into a Doberman and run off to a sweet barbecue in Long Beach. Thanks Snoop, you’re the man.
Lesson Learned: Be Baddass.
The 3 Austin Powers movies took in $670, 755, 251 at the box office worldwide, so it’s safe to say that everybody knows what I’m talking about. The International Man of Mystery had a mouth like aCare Bear Sewer, andused about every second of his screen time to bring out the playful side of blatant innuendo. Now, unless you have a ladyfriend with the strangest sense of humor on record, cracking a fart joke in the middle of your lovemaking is not going to constitute a “slick move”, but that doesn’t mean the Mike Myer cash cow can’t teach you anything. Austin Powers taught me that it’s ok to have fun, to crack jokes and to be yourself when you’re doing the nasty. More women than not think a guy’s sense of humor is as if not more important than his washboard abs, so cracking a silly joke when you’re in between the sheets can really get things rolling. There’s even been studies that suggest “women want a man who is a humor “generator,” while men seek a humor “appreciator.” Yeah baby.
Lesson learned: Have some fun for crying out loud.
The Films of David Cronenberg (Videodrome, A History of Violence, Crash)
In the last days before internet, a young man’s only consistent brush with simulated sex came in the form of“blue” late night television, and nobody delivered more weird, sexy content then my main man D.C. This Canadian director has famously furnished inexperienced adolescents with the strangest, most fearful and uncomfortable sex scenes anywhere that can be viewed when after their parents have gone to bed. Whether it was going over the play-by-play of a car crash fetish (Crash), or role-playing aggressiveness (A History of Violence), or freakin’ Videodrome weirdness, it was always strange, unsettling and provocative. The stuff that came out of those actor’s mouths couldn’t have been more foreign to my understanding if it was in Mandarin. But as much as it confused me, it taught me that sex is a primal thing, and that sometimes dirty talk is a license to let your Id go a little bananas. Now, Maya Collins of Ezinearticles.com says that It wouldn’t be a good idea to start with something extreme, sleuthing out the most hardcore insults before your partner knows what you are up to. Instead, you can start by saying something like “I love how you lick my ears’ or if you are a man you could ask her to call your name.” I think she’s right, but after you’ve broken the dirty talk ice and found out you’re both into it, it might be time to pull out the Cronenbisms. We’ve all got issues and sometimes cutting your demons a little loose between the sheets can be a crazy turn on for both parties. Even if it means you’re both lying beside each other a little creeped out wondering what the hell just happened.
Lesson Learned: Let you Freak Flag Fly!
So maybe my upbringing prepared me for dirty talk in the bedroom, maybe I’ve learned all I need to know from music videos and late night TV, or maybe next time I should wing it and say the first thing that pops into my head. Until then, call me Hans baby.
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