C’mon, you know you want it. “It,” of course, is dirty talk. Sometimes our relationships don’t just want a little intoxicating intonation, they actually need it. “Speaking or hearing erotically charged words stimulates dopamine transmission, which plays a huge role in sexual excitement,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, author of Passionista and She Comes First. Recently, sex toy retailer Adam & Eve conducted a survey and found that a majority of folks are good with dirty talk in the sack. It breaks down like this:
- 12 percent of people always engage in sex talk with their partners
- 33 percent of people sometimes talk dirty to each other
- 29 percent said they “rarely” engaged in little scintillating sex chat
- 18 percent said, “eww!”
In the interest of manipulating data to make a point, to those 18 percent who never talk dirty to their partners, I say, “Get in the game, Losers.” And to the 29 percent who only engage in dirty talk occasionally? “Step it up, Slackers.” And to the two percent of voyeurs who wouldn’t answer the question, “You guys are very, very sick.” If you want to drag a waning relationship out of the gutter, start with some gutter talk.
Sex talk starts before a relationship even begins. From the moment we begin composing our dating profiles on OK Cupid or consider chatting up that special someone at the end of the bar, we are already pre-honing our words in order to seduce and procure mates. And, although it may not seem like it, that’s the easy part. Once we’ve been with someone for a while—after she’s heard the same “ooooh, yeah baby just like that” and when our once-endearing pregnant pauses become “hurry the fuck up alreadys”—we may have to start over. We may have to relearn how to speak, so to speak, in order to get our sex lives back on track. The way that we communicate can get us the girl (or the guy) or leave us out in the cold; it can heighten or hinder intimacy; and, above all, it can mean the difference between a lifetime of satisfying lovemaking or one of enduring disappointment.
I, Cunning Linguist
So, you managed to attract a mate, went on a few dates and, in what seems like a few short paragraphs, have become a couple. Good for you. Now what? While we humans seem to have gotten pretty good at getting ourselves into relationships, if divorce statistics hovering around 50 percent are any indication, what we’re not so great at is staying in them. Sometimes it seems as if we’ve blown all of our linguistic cunning trying to land a mate but don’t have enough in reserve to keep the relationship from bottoming out. Well get ready to sharpen your tongue, young one.
How to Talk Dirty to a Man
Here’s everything you need to know about talking dirty to a straight guy: “This bra hooks in the front.” Just kidding—sort of. The point is that most guys are easier (and faster) to get revved up than are most women. According to Cosmopolitan, guys are motivated more by guttural sounds such as moans or sighs than they are by the spoken word (52 to 37 percent). Nonetheless, there’s one tiny utterance that gets them going every time—“I’m coming.” Guys also like pretty much anything said in a breathy, sexy voice such as “What do you want now?” or “My favorite jelly is grape.” Try it. Also, women can enhance their own pleasure through dirty talk, says Kerner. If she verbalizes her own pleasure, it brings her attention to it, he explains, “which reinforces the pleasure.” Kerner suggests the following: “I love it when you [verb] my [body part],” such as “I love it when you rub my thigh/kiss my neck/lick my breasts.” Some examples of specific things that get a guy going include:
- “I am so turned on right now!”
- “You make me feel so alive.”
- “I am so wet” (and then offer to let him feel)
- “I forgot to wear panties today.”
- “I sometimes touch myself when I think about you.”
- “You are so big.” (Why not? even if he’s not, he thinks he is)
- “What can I do for you right now?”
- “I want to feel your tongue all over my body.”
- “I’ve been a very naughty girl.”
- “I want you to cum on me!”
How to Talk Dirty to a Woman
Generally, women need more than grunts to keep them interested in sex. Women are all about affirmation. Use the word “you” a lot, as in “you are so sexy/beautiful/amazing.” Tell her how much you like what she’s doing. Also, many women need to be able to trust a man and nothing says trust to them like, “I want you to feel good“ or “it’s okay if we go slow.” Things that girls want to hear include:
- “You drive me crazy when you look at me like that.”
- “Do you like the way I touch you?”
- “Touch yourself so I can watch.”
- “Tell me what you want me to do to you.”
- “Cum for me, baby. I want to taste you.”
- “Kiss me there, ooh, just like that.”
- “Where do you want me to cum?”
How to Get Started With Sex Talk
If you’re new to sex talk, it’s probably not a good idea to lead with, “Toss my salad, Mommy!” In fact, there may never be a good time to say that. What you should do, say experts, is start slow. If said in the aforementioned breathy voice, innocuous things such as “That feels so good” or “I love it when you touch me like that” can sound downright pornographic. Other ways to ease your way into the action is to show your partner a sexy scene from a movie that features dirty talk and gauge the reaction. A positive reaction is a green light. Eye rolling, looks of disgust and dry heaving are not positive reactions. Likewise, read your significant other erotic passages from books or sensual poems. Positive reactions may include purring, cooing or mmm hmmming. Negative reactions might consist of punching, rolling over or projectile vomiting. However, the best way to find out if your partner is comfortable with luscious loquaciousness is to ask, “So, how do you feel about dirty talk?” The truth is, most people are comfortable with it. Ask, you may be pleasantly surprised by your partner’s reaction.
What Not to Say
We all are bound to become tongue-tied at some point and, since one ill-timed slip-up can be fatal to some folks’ libidos, experts recommend dialing it back after the first faux pas. (“I swear I asked if you would you like me to mist you, now where’s that scent you like?”) While ramping up racy talk too quickly is one way to kill the moment, another is by saying something totally inane. I shouldn’t even have to go over this but, since none of us learned dirty talk in school, here goes:
- Most men want to imagine they are both rugged and large, so you should never use terms such as “cute” or “little” when referencing his genitalia (even if it is). “My, isn’t hey a cute little fellow” will never turn a guy on. Don’t. Even. Try. It.
- Don’t use sport metaphors. If you say, “he shoots, he scores,” you won’t again anytime soon – at least not with her.
- Unless you just finished digging a koi pond, never say, “would you like to shower first?” Great, now you’re too dirty to get down and dirty with. Save the shower talk for after.
- “Are those real?” You really don’t like sex, do you?
- Unless he likes it, don’t talk about you ex while you’re in bed, as in, “Hernando really liked it when I used my hand like that.” I’m not Hernando and now I’m going to have to use my own hand to get back in the mood. Thanks.
- The answer to “Do you want to keep going?” is always yes. Don’t be dumb enough to ask it out loud.
- “You do good work.” Guess what? You just called your partner a whore. Even whores don’t like to be called whores. Unless you’re role-playing Bricklayers and Firefighters, don’t say it.
Everyone is different, of course, and what’s good for the goose may not excite the tomato—or something like that. All I know for sure is communication is the linchpin of any healthy relationship. Drag it into the bedroom and it becomes sex talk (you may want to tie it up while you’re at it). And besides, sex talk without the talk is just sex—and, really, who wants that? Ewww!
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