Posted By: Anne-Marie Hardie

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; while loving someone deeply gives you courage” ~ Lao Tao

In every social group, there seems to be that one friend that has it all together.  In our group, it’s Shannon.  Shannon is beautiful and brilliant but what really got my envy bug buzzing, was Shannon’s sex life.  Shannon seemed to be having regular, incredible sex and with her husband of ten years.   She was having such fantastic sex that she was no longer talking about it.  What was Shannon doing right? What was I doing wrong?

I decided to go on a quest to discover the secret to having an enviable sex life.

Everyone thinks about sex.  In fact, we think about it quite a bit.  According to the Journal of Sex Research, men think about sex 19 times a day, while the average woman has a sexual thought about 10 times a day.  We think about sex as often as we think about sleep and hunger. I can make incredible meals and have a restful sleep (if the kids are away), so what is it about sex that stumps me.

As a researcher, I know a lot of the tools and tricks on how to have an incredible sex life.  But something seemed to stop me from taking those techniques and applying them in the bedroom.  I seemed to be very successful in my business and I began to wonder, was this the key to success?   Could I use the techniques that I use to rule a board room in the bedroom? Did Shannon just do this instinctually?

I decided to review James Ray Seven Secrets to Top Performers and see if I could apply these same principles to the bedroom.

Tip 1: High Achievers Know Exactly What they Want

According to Ray, in order to be highly successful you need to know what you want. This got me thinking, did I know what I wanted in the bedroom?

What did I want my sexual life to look like and what was it about Shannon that I envied?  And then I realized, Shannon was a top performer.    She just knew what she wanted in her sex life and made it happen.  If she wanted to involve sex toys, she didn’t spend weeks agonizing and researching the toys, she went out, bought the toy and had sex with it that night.   She was confident and comfortable in her sexuality.

What about my sex life did I enjoy? What would I like to see more of? High achievers write down their business vision and then discover ways on how to make this happen.  Take the time to discuss and reflect on your sexual vision. Write down exactly what you want your sexual world to look like. Do not edit it! This is your world and its time to own it.

Tip 2: Top performers visualize themselves in possession of their desired results

“In the Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex,” Barbara Keesling stresses that to have a great sex life, you must be empowered and believe in your inner sexiness.  It’s important to take the time to discover your inner “bad girl”.  Give a voice to that part of you that loves sex.  Being sexy is more than just sex: its about feeling, looking, talking and walking sex.

This was probably the easiest to apply.  I mean who doesn’t want to spend some time fantasizing about their perfect sex life. Visualize yourself having the sex life that you dreamed.  According to Lee Pulos, Phd “Seeing is Achieving.”  When you envision yourself having an incredible sex life,  you will begin to see, touch, taste and smell what this sex life looks like.   After a while, the vision will become reality.    Shannon confessed to me that she constantly visualizes her sexual fantasies.  “If I really want to try something new, “ confesses Shannon, “I picture myself doing it.  In my fantasy I will see everything from the way I dress, to the perfume I’m using to the words I’m going to say.   Visualizing it just makes it that much more real to me and usually within a few days that fantasy has come true.”

Tip 3: Highly successful individuals have an unbending belief in themselves and their abilities

There is an old saying you need to believe in order to achieve.  If you want an incredible sex life, you need to believe that it’s going to happen.  In a study on self-esteem and self-doubt, Arkin and Hermann proved that uncertainty can not only delay an action from occurring but actually promote the creation of defensive and protective behavior.

If we doubt our sex life and our sexiness, than it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and we end up having an unsatisfactory sex life.  In order to have an incredible sex life, we need to believe that it is possible.

There is nothing more sexy than confidence.   When you are confident, you walk taller, smile more and make more eye contact.  All of these things will lead to a better sex life and make other’s wonder “what’s your secret?”   Appreciate your own uniqueness and embrace your personal strength and beauty.  Be inspired to be yourself and you will see that others including your partner will be drawn to you.

Tip 4: Achievers take action “as if” they were already in possession of the goal they desire. 

How many times do you desperately want sex but don’t make the time for it?  If you want a fantastic sex life, you have to have sex.   In the beginning of our relationships, frequent sex just seems natural.  As our relationships mature, work, cleaning, children, feeling exhausted can put sex on the back burner.  So how do we get back to that “butterfly” sex? Take the time to reconnect with your partner.

In the book, What French Women Know About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind,  Debra Ollivier states that the main difference between North America and the French is the way that men and women connect.

In France, when men and women spend time together, they have fun.

Remember the reason why you were drawn to your partner. Maybe it was their sense of humor, their smile, and their beautiful eyes. Those things are still there. So instead of focusing on all of the things that need to get done, spend some time reconnecting with each other.

Have an evening drink together, laugh at a joke and tell each other stories.  Listen to each other, appreciate their uniqueness and try to find different ways to make the other person smile.

Tip 5: Winners take Full Responsibility for their Own Destiny

Shannon confessed that her sex life started ramping up when she stopped making excuses for why her sex life wasn’t the way she wanted it.  Instead, she took control of her own sexuality and decided that she would create the sex life of her dreams.

Tip 6: Top Performers Build Leveraged Partnerships

For a truly successful love life, you need to involve your partner.   Take the time to talk about what you both desire.  Have your partner write their own vision and share your vision with your partner.  Spend some time reviewing how these two visions can work together.  When I tried this tip out, I was surprised how similar my vision was with my husbands.  This tip really got us talking about our sex and love life, and has helped make the imagined a possibility.

Tip 7: Great Achievers are Great Givers

This was a fun tip to involve, perhaps even more fun, than visualizing.  There are so many ways to give when having sex, whether it’s giving that incredible blow job or just giving time.  Almost all sex therapists agree that having a great sex life means having more than a weekly scheduled “sex night”.  It’s about building up to the event.

Sex is more than intercourse.  It’s about gently brushing against each other, secret smiles and bedroom eyes.  Sex is sensuality.    It is about teasing, flirting and wanting.

So do I have a sex life like Shannon? Not yet.  But it is definitely on its way to improvement.  In the meantime, I’m having a lot of fun picturing the sex life of my dreams and finding small ways to make it a reality.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.