Team U.S.A Olympic celebrity swimming sensation Ryan Lochte recently made the riot inciting admission that he’d really rather enjoy a stint of being ruthlessly pursued by a gaggle of giddy hotties on ‘The Bachelor’…“I would think about [being the next 'Bachelor']. I definitely would because, you know, before I was training so much that I didn’t have time for a girlfriend, [but] I want to give that perfect someone my heart. Now that the Olympics are over, I definitely want to settle down.”

Well you know what Ryan? You are, we’re sure, deep down a sweet kind of young man, despite your confession of an affinity for water-sports of the most unhygienic variety… “Like animals, they mark their territory, I pee in the pool,” Lochte says. “That’s my territory.” Admittedly, utterly gross…

Hey that’s okay – he’s probably a true gentleman with the utmost respect for the fairer sex, right? We’re afraid not, or so it would seem if you were to pay heed to the comments of – usually any guy’s biggest fan – his mom. During the recent London Games, when asked about her son’s relationship status, she was infamously said to have outed him as something of a love-rat declaring his penchant for one night stands. Although Momma Lochte has since peddled hard back to cover tracks on this one, reputedly saying that her comments were taken out of context and what she really meant to say was that Ryan “takes out a girl for maybe one or two dates” because he “doesn’t have [time] for a relationship”…

Nice save, Mrs L – we appreciate why you may regret potentially screwing yourself out of any chance of a pleasant and respectable daughter-in-law with your loose lips… And if it looks as though your son is quite seriously considering resorting to the reality television equivalent of crystal meth – horribly addictive and often with terrible life altering consequences… And – while we’re on the subject – is a man who treats his training ground like a feral cat and his women like a Blockbuster weekend export, really the kind of treasure trove of delights to be whipping up a host of eligible prospects into a frenzy? Even if, aforementioned blooms of loveliness happened to have their boats floated by the water dwelling lothario, what are the chances that it’d be a direct route to a future of whispering sweet nothings to that ‘perfect someone’…?

The odds of finding lasting love on The Bachelor are actually a fairly meager 17% – this figure includes a married couple in which the husband had actually proposed to somebody else in the Bachelor series 13 finale – the other 83% found that once the cameras stopped rolling, their inclination for each other wasn’t far behind – not exactly a sure-fire formula for soul mate discovery…

We can’t help but feel Mr Lochte may also be somewhat overestimating his credentials – while admittedly a genius in the swim lane, does this necessarily translate to being a top-shelf catch in the dating game? Given the recent, ahem – delightful new things we’ve learned about the guy, we’re subscribing to thinking a little less along the lines of ‘god’s gift’ and a little more “…sorry big man – do you have the receipt?”

So it got us pondering upon the whole Bachelor concept…

If you’re not familiar with the show, it basically revolves around the concept of a single guy and usually twenty plus commitment hungry females with their eyes on the prize… The girls are narrowed down via a series of bizarre pseudo pagan “rose ceremonies” in which ladies who fall out of favor – not enough ego massaging and having an opinion are common atrocities committed – are rejected and women who are deemed to have displayed appropriately marriageable qualities are presented with a red rose in recognition of their incredible ass-kissing qualities…

Cynical? Meh… maybe. We stress – it’s not a sexism/pro-feminist issue – there’s also a Bachelorette where the situation of the show is replicated, just this time involving a gender swap… And, while we can understand completely why the undivided attention of some pretty eager and attractive members of the opposite sex would appeal – does the whole thing not seem just a little superficial and seedy?

While we’re in no rush to dismiss anyone genuinely seeking and finding the real deal, but the odds are pretty heavily stacked against these guys. Particularly taking into consideration that, according to a study by Sheryl. P. Kurland on couples who have been married for over fifty years, attributes that contribute towards an enduring relationship tend to be things like the importance of compromise, being unselfish, reaching common ground as a couple, demonstrating respect and a commitment to staying together.  “Surprisingly” the study does not include the ability to play the system, a mega competitive streak and a tendency to say all the right things on prearranged dates…

Call us old romantics but we’d rather the fairytale then multiple handsome, potentially pool-pissing – princes and distressed damsels engaged in all out emotional war-fare – don’t you think?

Selma: Oh Ryan, peeing in a pool? REALLY? Why do you do the things that you do? Oh wait… it’s because you can get away with it AND girls will still sleep – ahem – date you. If you are going to keep a girl around for more then a night, she must know a thing or two about sports. I recommend this DiscoveryGame so you can work on actually communicating with her about things that interest you.

Giulia: Hey Ryan, why does your mom know you like one-night-stands??? That’s weird. And not to mention wildly inappropriate Sunday night dinner conversation. Maybe there is too much side-ways walky-walky and not enough standing-up talky-talky. I recommend this DiscoveryGame to see if Ryan is taking his fascination with nightswimming between the sheets too far.