Compatibility

Finding points of compatibility with your partner can be tricky anytime, and while trouncing around in the sheets is no exception.  Contrary to popular belief, compatibility doesn’t always emerge as a mystical relationshipism that “just is.”  Sometimes even highly compatible couples search long and hard before stumbling upon those magical points where the values and interests of each person in the relationship converge with a seemingly fiery energy attached.

Introverts and Extraverts

To that end… if you haven’t read our earlier posts about some key differences between introverts and extraverts, it can be broken down pretty simply like this:  Introverts, only by the fault of their nature, are easily stimulated and actually feel a level of physical and mental discomfort from over-stimulation, so inherently avoid situations that may lead to overstimulation.  On the other hand, extraverts – also by no fault other than that of their nature – tend to require an increased amount of stimulation to feel a sense of pleasure, so extraverts are drawn to scenarios in which they’ll be highly stimulated.

Check the stereotypes at the door

Before we talk about tricks that work best in the bedroom for “innies” and “extries,” I want to first challenge you to shake the “stereotyped” notions we tend to assign to introverts and extraverts (introverts = shy people; extraverts = TV personalities or bar-top dancers) and think of them more the way social scientists have come to know them:

Applying this fabulous new understanding to intimacy

• Introverts:  Become overstimulated very easily by things that surround them and that trigger the senses
• Extraverts:  Need lots of stimulation to feel normal amounts of dopamine or the “pleasure chemical” that runs naturally through us

Armed with the more scientific principles of innie and extrie behavior, you can start to apply them during sexytime in a way that will hopefully – in the big picture – satisfy both partners a good amount of the time.   Please note that the following apply to “textbook” cases, though the majority of us fall somewhere along the continuum of “Introvert vs. Extravert” and some people (like those who are complicated amalgamations of both parents – ahem – I’ll rat myself out here) may even exhibit traits of both depending on the circumstances, or change from one to the other over time.  (As a teenager, much like my mother, I was a typical social butterfly.  I was also happy to sit in the front of anything, and the first to raise my hand.  A couple of decades and a few children later, curiously more like my father, I’m fine rarely getting “out” and when forced into a group setting, look for the seat in the back, closest to the exit.  Weird but true, and a real life example that it is important to take inventory of where you and your partner are at now vs. where your childhood friends might place you on the Innie/Extrie scale.)  With that, some “guidelines” you can apply and adapt:

Applying this fabulous new understanding to intimacy

Armed with the more scientific principles of innie and extrie behavior, you can start to apply them during sexytime in a way that will hopefully – in the big picture – satisfy both partners a good amount of the time.   Please note that the following apply to “textbook” cases, though the majority of us fall somewhere along the continuum of “Introvert vs. Extravert” and some people (like those who are complicated amalgamations of both parents – ahem – I’ll rat myself out here) may even exhibit traits of both depending on the circumstances, or change from one to the other over time.  (As a teenager, much like my mother, I was a typical social butterfly.  I was also happy to sit in the front of anything, and the first to raise my hand.  A couple of decades and a few children later, curiously more like my father, I’m fine rarely getting “out” and when forced into a group setting, look for the seat in the back, closest to the exit.  Weird but true, and a real life example that it is important to take inventory of where you and your partner are at now vs. where your childhood friends might place you on the Innie/Extrie scale.)  With that, some “guidelines” you can apply and adapt:

Duration of sexytime:

Put simply, because the actual act of intercourse or other types of direct stimulation – while amazing in all their own rites – are extremely stimulating (that’s the point, right?!), innies don’t typically require the all-night, tantric marathon to be happy.  That doesn’t mean they don’t want to interact romantically for long periods of time, or don’t enjoy a lot of foreplay (which is less directly stimulating), but the act itself can be short and sweet for the introvert.  Extraverts, on the contrary, LOVE stimulation, so no need to spell it out that they tend to like sex a lot and often compared to their innie counterparts.

Lighting:  Bright lights, strobe, etc., can easily become too much for innies, so in general, innies tend to do better in dimly lit settings (in and outside of the bedroom) while extries tend to love bright lights and excitement!

Music:  Also, as was discussed in an earlier Tokii article, innies tend to like softer music sans lyrics while extries often groove to a bumpin’ beat (and usually – the louder, the better).  Think of the sexytime atmosphere as a pie with regards to “stimulation.”  There is only so much stimulation to be absorbed, and each source of stimulation (be it for sight, hearing or feeling) represents a piece of the whole pie.  For example, the more background stimulation, the more distracted and the less direct stimulation will be preferred by the innie.  In contrast, extries are usually the ones who can handle danger/adventure, loud music, bright lights and anything else you can throw their direction when it comes to naughty time.  In other words, the one to suggest the mile high club or doin’ it in the club restroom or alleyway – probably won’t be introvert in the relationship.

How you and your partner can both be happy during sexytime:

Innies:  Settle in for a longer sexy session, but offer to perform orally so that your extrie partner is satisfactorily stimulated while you get a physical break from the stimulation.  Allow your partner his/her “bright light experience” for a bit, but insist on soft or no music and maybe a dimmer-switch to be promptly dimmed after a few minutes of exciting peeping!  Don’t be afraid to flirt and definitely encourage foreplay of all sorts that will lengthen the experience for your extrie partner without sending you over the edge from direction stimulation!  (And remember, foreplay can start with a text to your partner while at work, so it doesn’t have to mean licking whip cream off of a body part prior to the “real thing”!

Extries:  If your innie is willing to perform orally, woo-hoo, lucky you!  (Go.  With.  It.)  And though it can be great fun to taunt and tease, give your innie partner a break during the actual act by allowing the natural progression of things without dragging things out for him/her too much (if you know what I mean).  Leave the teasing to your partner.  Also, if you must have loud or fast and exhilarating tunes, agree to it for only a few songs and with the lights out, so your sweetie pie innie doesn’t get overwhelmed immediately.  Your innie is rarely into “danger” in terms of being caught or sneaking into a corner at the party and doing it, so if you insist, make sure to counter the selfless act with a dimly lit, romantic and quiet night in next time

The takeaway

Though as animals we no doubt like what we like when it comes to our sexuality, we also really like it when our partner is off-the-charts satisfied, right?  The most important takeaway, perhaps, is that putting your partner first whether in or out of the bedroom, usually renders you the best results in the sack.  In fact, if you didn’t already believe it, putting one another first in general promises better results in the bedroom.  A team of researchers led by Emily Impett in 2008 found that in two of three in-depth studies, people who had strong relationship goals (in terms of keeping the relationship healthy and happy), versus “drifters” who didn’t have any particular goals when it came to their relationship – made better whoopee overall!  Yep, those focused on keeping one another (and the relationship overall) happy were much more likely to rate high on the “good sex” scale.  And – perhaps coolest of all – even when “negative events” took place, those who gave a darn about one another and the relationship showed significantly less decline in overall sexual satisfaction than those without relationship focus or goals.  Translation:  Even a big, ole fight couldn’t keep the relationship-focused folks from getting in on for long!  In terms of the effect on physical intimacy, those who were less focused on one another in the relationship were much more impacted by typical negative events in the bedroom.

So whether you’re the introvert or the extravert (or maybe you’re one of the rare weirdoes like me who has virtually morphed from one to the other over time)… if you focus on keeping your partner happy, whatever details that may involve, you’ll be in pretty good shape all around.  The research only punctuates good, common sense by confirming that your trounces in the sheets with your sweetie-pie will be pretty great if you put your partner first.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

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