In a changing world wrought with the hustle and bustle of economic, technological and political advances, it isn’t surprising that once-traditional definitions of loving, emotional unions are evolving, too. For most couples, “partnership” is still defined by two people in a mutual and exclusive union. Some, however, married and unmarried – limited only by their values and their partner’s willing participation – are opening their minds, hearts and bedroom doors to more than the “traditional” ways of keeping things loving and lively.
Polyamory, sometimes abbreviated as “poly,” is described as “consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.” It is also sometimes used in a broader sense to mean “sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive…” with the critical emphasis on “ethics, honesty, and transparency all around.”While there are undoubtedly more, let’s look at a few ways modern couples are bucking convention when it comes to redefining union, love and loyalty. The following “polyamorous” arrangements involve married couples (made up of two) inviting others into their union in emotional and/or sexual contexts:

Polyfidelity

This type of relationship refers to multiple, romantic relationships combined into one, with sexual contact limited only to specific partners in the group. This may include all members of that group, but doesn’t have to. Some refer to this as “group marriage.”

Triad Relationship

The “triad relationship,” as its name hints, involves three people who are romantically involved. The triad relationship is often initiated by an established couple that jointly dates a third person. The third person can be emotionally and/or sexually involved with the couple.

Quad Relationship

As its name also suggests, a “quad relationship” is one that exists between two couples (involving four people). Different from “swinging,” the quad relationship usually involves only the two identified couples, and can include the formation of deep, emotional bonds.

Mono/polyrelationship

A “mono/polyrelationship” involves one partner who is monogamous but agrees to allow the other partner to have outside relationships.

Open Relationship/Open Marriage

An “open” relationship involves a core partnership that is inviting to other groups of partners and (separating it from the “quad relationship” already mentioned) usually involves varying core couples partnering with one another. The other defining difference is that open relationships usually are only “open” sexually, while “exclusive” emotionally. In other words, there is still an emphasis on emotional loyalty between the core couple(s) while more sexual boundaries are inclusive of others. The “open” relationship/marriage is also commonly referred to as “swinging.”

Polyamory: Pros and Cons

In a popular piece featured in the New York Times, writer Alex Williams met with a group of New Yorkers who practice polyamory. In his acclaimed piece, Hopelessly Devoted to You, You and You, Williams noted:

Whether experimentation or something more, the practice (complete with its many configurations!) has survived the eras. Though unmarried as yet, Ms. Adams and Mr. Vessell, two individuals included in an “open relationship” interviewed in the Times piece, talked with reporter Alex Williams about their decision to engage in a polyamorous arrangement.

Ms. Adams, a former Lutheran minister raised by devout Christians and openly “skeptical about monogamy from the time she was a child” said, “I always had this lurking concern… How am I going to find a man and be married to him for 60 years?”

Mr. Vessel, also reared in a monogamous, nuclear household, commented that he felt monogamy “sold something short” – the “idea of flexibility.”

While many polygamous relationships include heterosexual partners, both Allen and Vessel are bisexual and openly see steady partners of the same sex, in addition to one another. But, summarizes Williams in the Times piece, polyamory is not just about “boundless sex.” There is a lot of communication and planning that goes into maintaining the lifestyle (which, for the New York couple interviewed, in addition to frequent check-ins to talk through things like unexpected jealousy, social pressure, etc., involves the commitment of diligently maintaining a dating calendar through shared Google docs).

The individuals explained that in open relationships, “relationship rules” become even more important because of the “emotional and health hazards involved in having multiple partners. All parties are expected to give full disclosure about whom they are seeing and what they are doing.” That can amount to a whole lot of work!

David Barash, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington and co-author of The Myth of Monogamy, tells us:

Relationship expert and nationally syndicated Radio Chick Leslie Gold, adds:

While emotional and sexual flexibility, a sense of freedom and sheer variety top the list of pros of a polyamorous lifestyle, they’re not all rainbows and lollipops. (Even those involved in them will tell you so.) Some obvious drawbacks to the open relationship arrangement – several of which were mentioned by The New York Times featured interviewees – include: not having a social setup conducive to co-parenting children in any sort of consistent way, having to constantly explain one’s lifestyle choices and fighting what most of us consider “normal” (or at least human) emotional tendencies – this despite the fact that the fundamental setup is supposed to make things like jealousy, pride, sense of relationship territory, etc. unnecessary.

Ultimately, as with any topic that may arise within the boundaries of love & marriage, polyamory has to be something partners venture into together, in a safe and mutually supportive way. It would also benefit couples wanting to experiment with an open relationship lifestyle to have the qualifier in place that if it doesn’t work out (i.e., if involved parties begin to feel hurt, jealous, judged, cheated or any other of a host of possible negative outcomes resulting from the arrangement), it’s okay to change the rules of the game. It’s alright to say, “We tried it, and this isn’t the thing that works best for us.” (It doesn’t really matter why.) If, on the other hand, polyamory works great for a couple, and the pros of the lifestyle choice consistently outweigh the cons, then “No need,” as they say, “to fix what’s not broken.”

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.