I must admit that I’ve always been intrigued by the subject of Erotic Fantasies so I decided to do some reading on the subject. Two books that I found quite informative and sufficiently detailed to help me grasp the essence of what transpires in our minds as we play out our sexual fantasies are ‘Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?’ by Dr. Brett Kahr and ‘Sex over 50’ by Dr. Joel D. Block. The latter, is broad in context but has some chapters dedicated to this topic of sexual fantasies. Both of these books are comprehensive examinations that in part, speculate about what might be the origins of these fantasies, what the fantasies might imply, how we might manage them and whether to disclose them to our mates. Not surprisingly, for a complex subject as this, I read divergent views ranging from the likely root origins of erotic fantasies to how these are to be handled in regards to sharing of information! Did I learn anything? You bet! Do I have all the answers I sought at the outset? Unfortunately, far from it!
My first ‘ah ha’ moment was that erotic fantasies may occur at any time and are not really related to sex dreams that you might experience now and then. In fact, erotic daydreaming is a frequent occurrence, be it a fleeting scene or a prolonged storyline. To quote Dr. Block, “fantasies have often been compared to private movies running in the theatre of our mind. Researchers believe that sexual fantasy is a nearly universal experience among women as well as men, some of these erotic daydreams being nothing more than fleeting thoughts, like coming attractions, while others are full-blown features. A man may glimpse a flash of thigh in a restaurant when a woman crosses her legs and may briefly imagine touching her. A woman may light candles in her bedroom, put on soft music, and leisurely masturbate while fantasizing to multiple orgasms. Each is having a sexual fantasy.” He goes on in part to say “Most people have ‘favorite’ fantasies, those scenarios that can arouse them over and over again.—-Should you then worry about your fantasies? Most likely not, however, recurrent violent fantasies can be indicative of deep-rooted emotional problems. — Even fantasizing during intercourse is not indicative of a relationship problem.”
As I read on, I learned that as you age, you are likely to be more comfortable in sharing your fantasies, although there is no definitive answer here. You may also feel less guilty that you have them and begin to see them as ‘normal’. I also noted “older people tend to put more detail into their romance scenarios and choose different settings, perhaps reflecting travels they’ve taken.” Dr. Block lists the top 10 Midlife Sex Fantasies as:
My second ‘ah ha’ moment in Dr. Kahr’s book was where he makes a clear distinction between sexual fantasies and sexual daydreams. “What is a sexual fantasy? A sexual fantasy may be defined as an image, a thought, or a fully elaborated drama that passes through one’s mind principally during sexual activity, either coital or masturbatory, often resulting in orgasm. Sexual fantasies must be distinguished from sexual daydreams or fleeting sexual thoughts. Sexual fantasies may be very simple or highly complex, may be tender or sadistic, and may cause the fantasist psychological pleasure or psychological pain. In general, people keep their sexual fantasies hidden from their partners and even from their psychotherapists or other confidants.”
Wow, who’d have thought simply conjuring up erotic role-playing could be so complex? And I thought that Oedipus had it rough! So here I was, better informed but now more intrigued than ever about erotic fantasies and their role in one’s sexual arsenal! It certainly seemed that I did not have the ability to block these out and truth be told, I didn’t want to. Heck, I’d read some wonderful anecdotes in these books and while I was focused on the more serious aspects of my research, I decided that now was the time to go back and read the chapters that highlighted the myriad of fantasies!
Not only will you have access to ready-made games addressing fantasies but you can also compare your scores to the community at large. How similar or how different are your answers compared to others? I learned that often fantasies are just that, vignettes in your mind that seldom get played out but are your arousal triggers. On the other hand, when you find that you truly relate to a specific fantasy and that you’d like to play it out with your partner; a great way to avoid any conflict or fear of being judged by your mate is to share an erotic fantasy as if it’s someone else’s that you heard about and thought you might try as a couple. In the worst case your partner might say no, but it’s not a personal embarrassment; remember it was someone else’s idea! If they welcome it, well there you have it! And off you go and as they say in the movies, “Lights, Camera, Action!”