By: Theresa

Theresa is an experienced relationship and addiction counselor and mental health expert.

Americans as opposed to other minority groups. It is estimated that over 80 percent of Americans have participated in some kind of gambling activityat least once in their lives. Some people think that gambling on the lottery in hopes of winning millions is a harmless activity because there is so much temptation and legal gambling is easily accessible to almost everyone. So how does this affect relationships?

Mark and Debbie have been married for five years. The beginning of their marriage was great until Mark developed a gambling addiction. It started with scratch off tickets from the local gas station, footballs pools at work and the occasional poker game with friends. Mark won a few times but lost a lot more often. Debbie started noticing disconnection notices and more credit cards coming in the mail. Mark had always been very responsible so she didn’t worry about it at first. She figured that he forgot to send the check since he had been working so many extra hours lately. In reality, Mark was lying to Debbie about working late because he was out gambling. He had lost so much money that all he wanted to do was make it back. He lied about where he was, where the money was going and they eventually ended up bankrupt.

A gambling addiction will also negatively affect a relationship financially as demonstrated above. Most casinos will cash checks for patrons and that may lead to the account being overdrawn. Many people may also take cash advances on credit cards until they are maxed out during their mania. In turn, when the credit card bills come in, they panic and hide the bills. They may lie about the finances and this leads to the deception.

Lying, secrecy and deception is only the beginning of the effects of a gambling addiction. Studies have shown that households that have a gambling addict also have higher instances of domestic violence as well as child abuse. It is also shown that people who are alcoholics are more susceptible to becoming a gambling addict. In fact, gambling and alcohol seem to go hand in hand, as most casinos make sure that their players are never without drink.

Anyone can become addicted to gambling. In society, a friendly wager is never frowned upon. In fact, we have all engaged in some kind of gambling behavior. We may bet on sporting events or run to the lottery agents when the temptation of a few million dollars gets to the best of us. As children, we may have bet on video games or bet each other on who could perform a specific task the best. There is no particular traumatic event that makes someone want to gamble. All of us are at risk.

As with any other addiction, there are also two stages. There is the mania, where the sufferer has feelings of euphoria. They may go into the casino or gambling establishment with high hopes of winning. In fact, they may actually win some money. In fact, they may win a lot of money and feel they cannot lose. They may have a goal of winning all of the money that they have recently lost or even enough to cover the tracks of their last gambling binge. This mania is always followed by a depressive stage. During this stage, the addict will feel badly about himself or herself, they will feel like failures when it comes to providing for their families. This is a very dangerous stage because it will lead to desperation. He or she may feel that if they had one more chance they could win the money back. This desperate time may lead to risky behavior, which may lead to financial ruin or even incarceration.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

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If you scratch the surface of any couple out there, you’ll find a gold mine of inside jokes and idiosyncrasies that, when it really comes down to it, go a long way to explaining a couple’s overall dynamic.  It can be simple as a morning routine, nicknames or love notes, and it can go off the deep end too, for instance every time I try to get my wife to pick up after herself, she raises her fist in the air and yells out something  about woman’s suffrage and marches off to… probably work or something, that doesn’t matter.

But ever since my wife and I read Jon Ronson’s book called The Psychopath Test:  A Journey through the Madness Industry (2011) we’ve started a new little game called “you are totally a psychopath”.

The book got its title from the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R).  Written by the Canadian academic Robert Hare, the test is the gold standard worldwide for determining if a person is, in fact, a psychopath.  In a nutshell, the first half of the test determines the inner psychopath, while the second half determines their functionality in society.

Here’s a great example of the sort of questions the checklist deals with, give it a try and see what you think!

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man who she did not know. She thought he was ‘amazing’. She believed him to be her dream partner so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

This is one of those questions you really don’t want to get right.  According to the checklist, if you answered “She wanted to meet the man again” you’re either very clever or very crazy.

The book says psychopaths live among us, and it’s usually a fine line between a nutcase who drives a beamer and a nutcase that sits in an asylum, it’s all about how they fit into the world around them.  So for instance, a crazy person who had no way to empathize with the suffering of others might make a great CEO who had to cut jobs and pensions ruthlessly to make profits, or on the other hand a person who’s uncaring about anybody around them might become great athletes, musicians or scholars simply because they don’t really get distracted by the world and people around them.  It’s pretty easy to find successful  roles for people who don’t care about anyone but themselves.

But just because you don’t throw your change into a panhandler’s jar doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an amoral monster.  The biggest problem Ronson’s book points out is that the test is scary broad and you could fit a whole bunch of normal, non-crazy behaviours that sort of bug you under this checklist, and therein lies our little game.  So, for instance, say if a guy got particular, giggling joy from watching poorly written character’s lives torn apart in an episode of  NBC’s “Smash”, a wife would be well in her offended right to check “lack of empathy towards the suffering of others” off her checklist. Likewise, if a wife were to throw a small tantrum each and every time she found the dishwasher left open, her husband might be inclined to make some notes concerning their spouses “erratic and OCD behavior.”

It goes on and on.  It sounds a little weird maybe from the outside, but it’s a playful way we’ve come up with to list off our grievances with a kind of immunity, it’s how I tell my wife to stop talking during the hockey game, or for her to nag me about leaving clothes around that ends in a tickle fight instead of an argument.  It’s genius really, and hey, say one of us really does start swimming in the deep end, I’m sure the doctors will be more than happy to take a look at the notes I’ve compiled over the years.

It’s important for any couple to keep things fun and interesting, that’s what we’re all about at Tokii, embracing the little things that make you and your partner different, irreverent and awesome.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and find that little notebook of hers, I know it’s here somewhere.

Try our Health and Mentality DiscoveryGame here:

Living with someone you love doesn’t mean you need to see them every waking minute. Sometimes you just need your own space, which is what recently fed my desire for an office. Sure, prior to making space for one, my only options were computing from the couch, or while crammed into a corner of the living room, but ultimately, I needed a place just for me and my stuff.

Things came to a head when I was forced to turn the music up, in order to drown out the sound of crunching. All I could focus on while trying to work was the crunching coming from the couch beside me. This is when it dawned on me that I could no longer work from the living room for fear of losing it on my boyfriend for the heinous crime of consuming snack food. Its common space, for god’s sake, what was my problem? But at the time, it felt like an invasion of my work area.

That little episode got me thinking about my need for space, and wondering if it was OK. So I reached out to Tina B. Tessina, PhD, (aka “Dr. Romance”) psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, for some advice.

“Whatever amount of closeness or distance is comfortable for you, even if it’s different from your partner’s preference, is OK,” she explains. “There is no right or wrong amount of personal space.”

That’s good to know, because we have since converted a corner of our bedroom into an office, separated by a dividing screen, decked out with all my work-at-home essentials, and I already feel more productive and better about our living situation.

Dr. Tessina explains that where problems can arise is when couples don’t recognize needing space is natural and normal, and that it’s OK to have different personal space requirements. “If one of you thinks there’s a rule about how close a couple should be, or how much privacy one should have, then struggles can arise.”

When space-based tension comes up in your relationship, understanding, communication and compromise are key to alleviating the problem, explains Dr. Tessina. There are many creative ways to meet different needs, and she provides a few below:

• If your partner needs more alone time than you do, go out for dinner with friends (or join a club, hit the gym, etc.) one or two nights a week, while your partner stays home.
• If your partner wants to discuss the relationship a lot, and you don’t like to, agree to 30 minute discussions of the relationship once a week, which honors your partner’s need for discussion, and has a limit you can manage.
• If you want lots of friends and family around, and your partner is uncomfortable with groups, negotiate to spend some time alone with your family, or have your family over when your partner isn’t home.

It’s often surprising for couples to realize that the intimacy that comes with a relationship can be a problem, Dr. Tessina explains. But accepting that you and your partner may have differing needs for personal space is the most important step in overcoming this hurdle. And if all else fails, you can always build a separate space for yourself all together, like I did!

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

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Managing a blended family can be one of the most difficult tasks that anyone will face in a lifetime. Today, a blended family is the norm rather than the exception.

If you’re part of a blended family, more than likely you already know how hard it can be to make things work. Today, blended families are more the norm than the exception. I grew up in two different blended families, both my mother and father remarried, and my teen years were divided living between both.

As an adult, I had hoped that I might have a chance at a successful marriage and be one of the lucky ones that achieved a long-lasting relationship that withstood the test of time, but, of course that didn’t happen. I married young, looking for the unrealistic fantasy, had two children and was divorced within a decade. I remarried several years later and had my third daughter, determined that true love was still possible.

17 years later, my outlook on things has changed a bit, with my expectations decidedly different. My husband and I have managed to stay married, although there have been times that both of us had wanted to call it quits. Marriage is hard work, and when you add children that are his or hers, or both, it throws yet another wrench into the mix.

Staying married to the same person for 50 or 60 years has become a rare accomplishment. According to a report by the University of Houston’s Jennifer Garcia, at least 50% of American children are raised in blended families.  When taking common-law families into account, this figure is probably even higher.

Look around you. How many homes include a family with two parents in a traditional marriage that have only said their vows to each other? Having lived in a number of different locations, looking back to each neighborhood those statistics seem to be right in line with reality.

Whether you’re about to embark on a journey in a new blended family or would like to learn a little bit more about managing your blended family, here are five tips to help you:

1. Finances

If you haven’t already done so, be sure to have an open discussion with your spouse about your goals and expectations in regard to finances. This should be done within any marriage, but it can be even more important with the additional difficulties faced in a blended family.

If you’re afraid to talk about what you’re spending, or if you’re keeping a deep, dark secret about your finances, your marriage is likely to be headed for disaster. This was one of the first big stumbling blocks in my second marriage. My first husband became angry whenever I spent money on anything that he considered frivolous and, based on that experience, I tried to cover up even the smallest purchases from my second husband to avoid a heated confrontation. These actions only served to lessen his trust in me when he discovered what I’d done.

The financial E-Personal Finance experts give some excellent advice that we also found to work well in our family.

Consider having both individual and combined bank accounts. For example, you might have one combined account for household expenses and vacations, and individual accounts for your own personal expenses. Neither partner should feel as though they have to ask the other for money in order to make small purchases. On the other hand, you should always consult your spouse on major purchases, such as a car, big screen TV, high end jewelry and clothing, etc.

You should also consider your financial priorities as a collective, make a budget based on that discussion, and stick to it.

2. Raising children

It’s important to work as a team when raising your children, whether it’s his, hers, or both. If you each bring your own set of children into the marriage, it would behoove you to discuss how you’ll handle different situations that may arise, and come to an agreement beforehand.

When my new husband tried to discipline my daughter, she immediately reacted in a way that many children do when faced with this situation, becoming bitter and resentful. He wanted to earn her respect, and it backfired.

Instead, we found, as psychologists on the Parenthood in America site suggests, it works better to allow the biological parent to do the disciplining while the other is there for backup or support.  As a new step-parent, you should move slowly and carefully in developing a relationship with your step-children. Focus on their positive qualities and allow the other parent to be the disciplinarian, but at the same time don’t let the child get away with something that their parent has already ruled against. Having a sense of humor can also work wonders.

3. Sibling rivalry

With multiple children involved, there is bound to be some sibling rivalry. According to Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D., it’s important to never try and force a positive relationship, but encourage open family discussions to resolve matters and try to focus on similar qualities and interests instead.

Biringen suggests, “From the start, treat each of your children in a special way. With new additions to the family, continue to make your other children feel special and give them extra time and attention.”

4. Take care of yourself

It’s essential to remember to take care of yourself. By continuing to put everyone else ahead of your own needs, you’ll not only jeopardize your emotional health, but you might compromise your physical health as well. I learned this the hard way, with a natural instinct to want to take care of everyone else. I ended up exhausted, unhappy and was even diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, a chronic disorder that can become worse with too much stress.

By incorporating an exercise program into my schedule, as also suggested by The Mayo Clinic, I found that it not only worked wonders for endorphins, but it also gave me more energy to get through your day. By also spending just ten minutes a day practicing deep breathing or meditation, I was able to keep my stress levels in check which gave me the ability to manage my family better.

5. Take care of your marriage

As suggested by a licensed professional counselor, it’s also important to make your spouse a priority. Williams suggests, “All married couples need adult or non-kid time together. Alone time allows husband and wife to reconnect, make plans, relax and play.”

I found that by spending all of my time on my job, taking care of the house and worrying about keeping the kids happy and healthy, my relationship suffered. It bloomed once again when we began scheduling a date alone together once a week and helped us to remember why we connected in the first place.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.

When Is It Ok To Have An Affair?

To get started with this, let’s get one thing clear. There is no right or wrong answer to this question.  On one side you will have people tell you that in no way, shape, or form is having an affair okay. Then on the other side of the spectrum there will be people that make excuses or give you scenarios as to when having an affair would be okay. Both of these people are right in their own sense but let’s touch base and jump into both worlds and see what we come up with.

Having An Affair…To Have An Affair

Unfortunately, one of the most common reasons that someone has an affair is simply because they get bored with their current relationship and seek excitement. Does that make it okay? Certainly not! It just means that in some relationships, when things get boring, one or both of the partners can move on to something else while remaining in their current relationship. Work can also play a big factor in this if one of the partners works long hours or out of town on a regular basis. This also doesn’t make it right by any means but it happens to both good and bad people and is very unfortunate. How can you tell if your relationship is genuine? Trust yourself.

Having An Affair…To Get Even

Moving on, we also find that many people have an affair to get back at their partner or even up the tally so to speak. This will only cause problems down the road and is in no way right or morally correct. One common scenario in which this can happen is if the first partner is caught cheating, the second partner forgives and moves on (or so they say), and then decide to get even whether it’s private or public. What that basically means is that a lot of the time, the partner will make it loud and clear that they are having an affair, had an affair, or are even planning on having one. Sound unrealistic? Well, it’s not. It happens all the time to many!

Having An Affair…On Accident

Yes, you read it right. There are people who have affairs on what they refer to as an accident. This can be anything from a late night party to “I didn’t really want to” type of ordeal. Is it right? No, not at all. Is it forgivable? That’s entirely up to you. Think about this though. If it happens once, do you think it will happen again? We aren’t saying whether it will or not but it is definitely something to take into consideration and not something to take lightly at all. Look at your surroundings, think about your options, go from there, and make a decision. It sounds simple enough but realistically, it’s not but with will power, we know you can do it!

Having An Affair…Other

Aside from all the reasons mentioned above, there are a couple other causes of affairs. One of those is finance. When times get tough, some resort to having an affair for a feeling of both comfort and financial stability. There are people out there who have an affair simply for the benefits whether its a nice night out on the town with dinner or something along those lines. There is also a darker reason that can be behind an affair such as drug use. People will result to desperate measure if they are dependent on drugs or alcohol and one of those is cheating on their spouse or partner. Finally, some people have an affair because, well, they love each other. As silly as that may seem, it does happen and can better the relationship or make it worse.

Consequences Of Having An Affair

When someone has an affair, one of three things typically happens. They either never get caught and nothing changes unless its suspicion or control in their life, they get caught and the relationship ends under whatever circumstances, or they get caught and things are worked out between the two. For this last one, two things can happen with it. Things can get better or things can get worse. Some marriages are strengthened by an event like this and some are ruined. It’s safe to say that more bad comes from it than good but if the marriage is to work, one thing that has to be remembered and that is to let go of the past and go for the future.

How Many People Have Affairs?

There is no magic formula to finding out how many people have affairs or cheat on their partners and surveys aren’t always accurate as many of the survey takers won’t answer truthfully or won’t admit even to themselves that they have had or are having an affair. A rough estimate is that something like 22 percent of people (or 1 in 5) have cheated on their partner according to a survey consisting of more than 70,000 people. While these aren’t huge numbers, it does show that it could happen to anyone and it’s important to evaluate your relationship.

So, Is Having An Affair Ever Right?

Now that we’ve touched based on three popular scenarios, let’s get back to the question of the hour. Is having an affair ever right? The answer is, no. Despite what people may tell you, it is never right under any condition whether it’s to get even or to get a thrill. That’s not to say that it can’t help your relationship but at the same time, we don’t encourage anyone to go out and have an affair for that purpose but just know that if it does happen, it may not be the end.

Related Articles:
- Jealousy in a Relationship
- Is It All A Ruse?  The Truth About Marriage

I’m a “Dog person”. We have three dogs that live with us, a Dachshund and two huge Great Danes.  They’re all boys and they’re all attitude, I love them!  They take up space and when they’re not taking their epic walks they’re taking up all the couch space anywhere we are in the house.  What’s great about our dogs is that they’re consistent in a way people can never be.  They’re always in the mood for exercise, for cuddles, or for chilling out, they adjust perfectly to however I’m feeling, and I can’t ever see myself living without a dog.

According to the latest statistics put out by the U.S. Humane Society, there are about 78.2 million dogs in the United States, about 60% of households have at least one dog! When you ask dog owners how they feel about their pets, they’ll tell you Fido is a part of the family as much as anybody else.

So, what does this mean for your relationship?

We all know that no relationship is perfect and whenever we’re in conflict with our significant others it can feel like the whole world is against us. We can call a friend to talk about what happened but sometimes other people’s opinions do more harm than good.

That’s where your dog comes in. He might just be the only one who really understands your thoughts and feelings without judgment and without having to have something to say. If you are a dog owner, you have to admit you’ve found yourself talking to him more than once and just venting your feelings. That dog is the one “person” who loves you unconditionally and will never tell anyone your secrets. If you think about it, this is the perfect situation.

I know from plenty of experience that a good dog can make you feel better emotionally but there’s science involved too! Just a few minutes with your pooch can slow down a rapid heartbeat and bring down the cortisol level, (a hormone that is associated with stress). It’s also shown that the serotonin level, (the hormone associated with well-being) goes through the roof when a loving dog gets into the equation. Sharing that calming emotional and physical effect on two people in a relationship cannot be a bad thing at all.

No matter what we may say or do, that dog is there to de-stress even the hardest situations; be it a bad day at work or a bad argument on the home front. It really is hard to stay angry when your dog is right there bumping against you and nudging your hand for a good rub.

Lots of couples think of their dogs as their children, even when they have actual kids in the home. These are the perfect neutral family members that love both parties and can even be the mortar that keeps things together when the relationship going gets tough.

That doesn’t mean getting a dog makes all of the relationship ills go away, but they’re a great means of support and affection when we need it the most. There aren’t too many times a dog will see his or her owner in distress and not instinctively go into comfort mode. A dog can feel the emotional temperature of the room and act go where it’s needed.

But for those of you with dogs, you know this already! So try and find a way to say thank you to the doggie on the couch, he’ll thank you, even if you wake him up from his nap!

Use our Life with Pets DiscoveryGame to discover how you plan to treat your pet:

If you married your high school sweetheart, it may be difficult to know in advance what type of spending and saving habits you each have. However, if you and your partner were both living independent, adult lifestyles by the time you married, it should be no surprise how you each handle your money.

According to this New York Times article, statistically opposites do not attract, we are generally drawn towards people who are more like us than different, except it seems in the area of finances. In this regard, the saver tends to be drawn towards the freedom of the spender, whereas the spender feels security in being reined in by the saver.

According to one study, a couple’s frequency of disputes over finances is the greatest predictor of divorce. Every couple has to deal with financial issues, and no one way is right for everyone. In fact many shift between one system and another throughout their years together.

Our grandparent’s generation usually had one bank account and all money came and went from that single account. In most cases only one member of the household really understood the flow the cash. Today it seems that families opt for separate accounts and divide up the bills in a fair manner, to reflect earning power and payment styles. For example, your wife may be better at saving for the large items, insurance bills and property tax, where as your spending style works best for the phone bill and hydro bill.

One very important point in this day of marital uncertainty, it is vital that both husband and wife have credit ratings of their own.  Although banks aren’t often fond of lending money without the marriage partner’s signature, do try to have a credit history that is yours and yours alone. You may need to secure financing one day, without a co-signer.

Perhaps, the best piece of advice that one could utilize is to be prepared to change. If the way you are handling your finances isn’t working and is causing conflict, then try a different method until you get one that you can fine tune to meet your needs. Even then, it may not be the one that you will continue to use for the rest of your life, so be flexible and try not to take it all too seriously.

For insight on how to work together on your finances and to understand your similarities and difference, we offer the following DiscoveryGames:

Life and Money

Financial Resolutions

Then join the conversation on Facebook and on Twitter @tokiilife.

If you enjoyed this post, you should read Ask Tokii – No Choice In Spending

This November, Tokii put out a challenge to our terrific community of members:  Put together a video about you and your partner, how you got along or how you didn’t.  We offered up a sweet reward for the best video and we were overwhelmed by the response we got over the next three months, and choosing a winner was a lot more difficult than we anticipated, but choose we did!

The winners of our “Perfect Couple Contest” were none other than Vanessa and Dwayne of Canada.  These College Sweethearts turned Military Couple won us over with their story of easing back into life together after a long tour in Afghanistan, balancing the demands of a romantic relationship with parenthood and how Tokii has actually helped them communicate better with each other.

I got a hold of Vanessa to let her know she and Dwayne had won, and we had a nice Q and A follow up about how she made things work in the circumstances of their marriage, and what role Tokii played in their relationship!

Karla: What is the hardest part of being a military wife?
Vanessa : The Hardest Part Of being a military wife is having your spouse gone for weeks or even months at a time. Distance does make the heart grow fonder but sometimes with your partner gone for so long you can get lost in your routine with kids and work, as can he.

K: What is the best piece of advice you got from another military wife?
V: The best piece of advice I received is to keep open communication with your spouse. Bottling things up only ever turns into resentment.

K: When Dwayne got back from Afghanistan did you talk about his experiences?
V: In the beginning we did talk about Dwayne’s experiences but there are some parts of (his job) that prevent him from talking about certain things.  He also did not want to tell me other things because we both lost friends overseas.

K: How did it make you feel?
V: When he did talk to me about it, it looked like the weight of the world was falling off of his shoulders; in some ways I understand why he doesn’t want to talk about some things. No one should have to go through what those soldiers do while they are over there. Not all of it is bad though, it’s nice to hear about some of the progress they are having overseas, and not all of it is negative. When he does talk to me I feel like he can confide in me, and it makes us closer.

K: How does Dwayne deal with work stress?
V: He talks to his friends, boss and someone on base. He talks to me but like I said before sometimes he doesn’t want to burden me with heavier details.

K: With him being overseas, when he returns do you feel you have equal right to complain to him about your life? How it is for you and the kids when he is not around?
V: At first I found it hard to complain about anything, it gave me a different perspective on what we consider small problems and massive problems. He watched my friend and his friend die overseas. A flood in the basement becomes a stupid problem that is manageable after that. I find it very hard to complain about him going away all the time mainly because when were dating he told me that the military was what he was going to do for a career and in some ways spouses sign up for the demands of the job too. At first I was upset when he would go but I know he is doing what he loves and that at the end of the day he is coming home to me.

K: Just before he comes home from an extended leave- what do you feel?  Can you select Tokii moods to explain?
V: I’m an emotional basket case before he comes home. I feel like June Cleaver on steroids.

K: What Discovery Games did the two of you enjoy together?
V: We’ve played dozens of them, but I remember some in particular really struck a chord.  I remember Communicating His way was great for discussion how we think differently and Love and Romance got us thinking about treating each other better.  Also The Games We Play and The Military Bubble were cool because It was dealing with our situation specifically.

K: Why would you recommend another couple to use Tokii?
V: I would recommend this to couples because it helps bring hard conversations to light. It helps reconnect after long periods of time and it also helps couples learn new things about the other partner, because we are all ever-changing and with time apart changes occur even faster. Tokii helps bridge that gap so you feel like you grow closer instead of walking different paths.

K: What would you like to see Tokii do better? What areas can we improve in?
V: We both want the trading post back!! Our biggest problem is making time for each other and the trading post made date nights almost official! We were going to spend time together and there was no way around it!

Dwayne and Vanessa gave us the perfect combination of funny and heartwarming, but we had plenty of great runners up too!

Sherry and Sean shared their love story with probably the highest octane editing we’ve seen so far!.
Reena and Don caught our attention with a cute Arts and Crafts video and a scene stealing rubber duck of love!
Tresha and Damon win hands down in the humor department, and we wish them an extra congratulations for their baby on the way!!!

We received a staggering number of video testimonials about Tokii and how couples are using it together, and they’re all available to see at Tokii.com, just check out Tokii TV!  And check us out regularly for our next contest coming soon!   We’re on Facebook too!

Thanks for everybody who entered and Congratulations Vanessa and Dwayne!  We love you guys!

Until next time,

Karla Stephens-Tolstoy

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It doesn’t matter if it’s your first move or your fifteenth, moving is a lot of work and it there is always a hitch or two. Although it’s not always possible to foresee everything that can go wrong and avoid it, there are many things that you can do in advance to minimize the difficulties.

Your home may be the single largest purchase of your life, yet often the decision to buy or sell is impulsive and ill thought out. In many cases the first person that a couple will speak to about a real estate plan is an agent. How many people know their Real Estate agent personally? Don’t get me wrong, most agents are professional people who put their client’s interests first, but the line between whose best interest is being served can sometimes get a bit blurry.  “A good agent can be your best ally in purchasing or selling a home- its important to have a rapport with that individual. I think it is also important for people to understand the types of relationships that you can have with an agent – each client must sign a “working with a realtor form” that lays out what types of relationships there are (or might arise) and what our obligations are to the client.” Corinne Harper Jones, Sales Representative, Re/Max Reality enterprises Inc., Brokerage.

Your Agents will likely have great contacts and they are bound by professional ethics and regulatory bodies, but doing your research ahead of time allows you to make informed choices about your support team. The team you choose certainly can include those services recommended by your Agent. However, your support team ultimately should be chosen by you so that you feel secure in the information you receive and that you have taken responsibility for your choices.

Here is a little story to help illustrate what can await the new home buyer. John and Mary are a military family. They’ve been transferred to a base in a small community. With only a few weeks notice of the transfer there was little time to do more than look at homes online and phone a few agents. When they arrived and began house hunting with their chosen agent, she showed them a selection of home. Most of these were listed with her agency, some with agents she knew well. John and Mary with her help selected a home. The agent recommended a local lawyer to help with the transaction and when asked, she also knew a reputable home inspector. Their mortgage officer in their old town made them an appointment with her counterpart in the new community. Unknown to John and Mary, the mortgage officer was the brother-in-law of the vendor. John and Mary are likely to live in this community for the next five years. There support team have lived and worked together since grade school. John and Mary are investing everything they have in this home, are you comfortable with this transaction?

A Real Estate Agent does not want to assume moral responsibility for every homebuyer they assist. You make their job easier and protect the investment of your money when you make responsible decisions with independent advice. Do your research. First determine if you really want/need to sell your home or if redecorating or renovating will address the issues in your current home. If you decide to sell following these steps will help to protect you and your investment.

1. Prepare a realistic budget of your current cash inflow/outflow
2. Book an appointment with the mortgage officer at your bank or a Mortgage Broker. You need to know your financing possibilities  and secure an interest rate before you begin looking at dream homes.
3. Make a list of “must haves” in your new home. Consider a his/hers list and compare.
4. Research Real Estate firms and Agents. Take the time to find one that you feel comfortable with and has enough experience to assist you with the most major purchase of your lifetime. Your Agent is your primary support and selecting one that your trust is vital.
5. Find a family member or friend who will be your “sober second thought,” ask them to assume this role. Of all your support team, they are the only ones who truly have no other motivation in your home purchase.
6. Speak with your lawyer or research and find one. Get a detailed list of fees and add this to your moving budget.
7. Do your own research to find a home inspector, check his/her references and credentials.

When all the ducks are in a row, then you are ready to list your home and commit to the house hunting process. Your agent will be your primary advisor from this point until you have sold your existing home and purchased a new one. You have hired this person to provide you with realistic direction and as such you should be prepared to listen to the Agent’s advice, even is you chose not to act on it..  “Most people are emotionally invested in their home and sometimes feel its worth more than the market is demanding. Some people will interview a number of agents till they find one that will list their house for what they feel is the right price- in most cases the agent will need to do a price reduction at some point and it even might lengthen the sale of your property by months.” Corinne Harper Jones, Sales Representative, Re/Max Reality enterprises Inc., Brokerage.

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