Note: Anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride and sloth. Whether or not committing one of these sins will destine you to an eternity stoking Satan’s furnace is up for debate but one thing’s for sure, committing them in a relationship may leave you all alone and out in the cold. In this seven-part series, writer Michael Kerr explores each of the seven deadly sins and why they’re bad for couples.

The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins: Gluttony

On first glance gluttony may seem like a minor deadly sin; on par with lesser evils such as envy or sloth as opposed to, say, relationship killers like anger, lust or pride. However, gluttony can be a big deal indeed: a very big deal. If you haven’t heard, gluttony combined with a lack of exercise can make you become fat—and, when it comes to your health, bigger isn’t better. Not only does being overweight put a person at risk for a mélange of diseases such as heart disease, diabetes and some cancers, it can wreak havoc on your relationship as well.

When Mr. Right Is Mr. Bad News

Relationships themselves may be bad for the waistline—especially if you’re a woman. A 2011 Ohio State University study usurped previous research that showed both men and women gained a moderate amount of weight in the first two years after marriage. It turns out men in the study actually lost weight while women gained a lot more than previously thought. It’s still unclear why woman packed on the pounds post-matrimony, but Zhenchao Qian, a professor of sociology at OSU, suspects tradition is part of the reason. “Married women often have a larger role around the house than men do, and they may have less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women,” he said.

Don’t Weight Up

In a profile for National Public Radio (NPR) in 2011, Larry Boynton, a contractor in Belmont, California, remembers that when he married his wife Dana Englehardt a decade earlier, the fact that she was overweight wasn’t a big problem for him. “Once I decided to put that out of my mind and allow the relationship to grow with the person I was falling in love with—her personality and how much fun we had together—it just really wasn’t an issue,” he says. However, when Englehardt gained 60 more pounds, it began to put a strain not only on her body, but on the marriage as well.

Englehardt, a registered nurse, could barely stand during her shifts. Minor tasks left her winded and sleep apnea kept her awake at night. Just the thought of having sex left her exhausted. “I suffered a lot of guilt because I knew that I wasn’t meeting my husband’s needs,” she says. Englehardt began losing her self-confidence while, at the same time, Boynton had become frustrated by the lack of sex in the marriage. “At one point it was six months…and I was almost climbing the walls,” he says. “And so I didn’t want to get frustrated, so therefore, I just shut down.” Instead of discussing the problem, both partners retreated. Eventually, Englehardt’s health deteriorated so badly she opted for bariatric (weight loss) surgery. Although she lost weight and probably saved her own life, it took several more years before the couple could get their relationship back to where it was prior to her weight gain.

‘Til Heft Do Us Part

Obese people are also more dissatisfied with their sex lives, and “obese women seem to suffer the most,” according to researchers who study the issue. “Instead of enjoying their sexual intimacy, [obese women are] worried about the size of their stomach or, ‘Oh my god, he’s going to touch my stomach,” says Ronnie Kolotkin, a psychologist at Duke University Medical Center. Other problems with obesity she cites include low sexual desire, avoidance of intimacy and difficulty performing sexually (which affects both obese women and men).

Shape Up Before Your Spouse Ships Out

It’s not easy to lose weight; just ask the $40 billion dollar plus a year diet industry. Unfortunately, there’s still no magic bullet. The best way to lose weight is still the old fashioned way—eat well and exercise regularly. In fact, eating a healthy diet is the best way to counter obesity, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). The group recommends the following steps in order to maintain a healthy weight:

• limit overall consumption of fats and switch fat consumption away from saturated fats in favor of unsaturated ones
• consume more fruits, vegetables, whole grains and nuts
• cut down on sugars and salt

Maintaining a regular fitness routine can help you achieve a healthy body as well. At least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity activity each day reduces the risk of a number of serious health consequences including diabetes and cardiovascular disease, as well as colon and breast cancers. Not only will exercise help you lose weight and remain active longer as you age, it also builds self-confidence, a necessary ingredient of every healthy relationship.

The Prescription

In 2010, Indiana home builder Josh Barkley weighed in at nearly 400 pounds. It was not only destroying his health, but his relationship as well. The couple wanted children, but due to his obesity, Josh’s, testosterone and thyroid levels had plummeted to near zero. His doctor suggested bariatric surgery, but Josh decided to get his weight under control by going old school. He changed his eating habits and joined a gym. Using a combination of the popular CrossFit exercise regimen six days a week, Josh was able to drop 130 pounds in just over a year. He even inspired his wife Heather to join him at the gym three days a week. “A few months ago I would beg him to take a walk around the block and now he can run a mile and is beating me, it has been the answers to my prayers,” she said. As the Barkley’s story attests, not only is shaping up a good prescription for an ailing person, it can pump up an ailing relationship as well.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Hiking with friends, sweating through a yoga class, or playing a rousing game of soccer can burn a few calories, we all know there are more…satisfying ways to work up an appetite (wink, wink). These sports of the bedroom variety may just leave you wandering into the kitchen at odd hours of the night or morning for something of substance to nibble (not to imply that your lover’s earlobes aren’t substance enough, but you know what I mean).

Not So Innocent

This is where Midnight Asparagus comes in. This brilliant dish is the perfect midnight snack for two. Be forewarned, however: as you’ll recall from previous posts, asparagus is an aphrodisiac, which means that this seemingly innocent snack may actually lead to another round. Think you’ve got what it takes? If not, the second major ingredient in this fabulously delicious recipe, eggs, may just give you a hand. Eggs are also considered aphrodisiacs and, as the source of new life, they are the ultimate fertility symbol. They’re also packed with protein, zinc, and B vitamins that will fuel your libido, balance your hormones, and nourish your body…so with Midnight Asparagus in your culinary arsenal, you just may be ready for another round.

Easy Does It

This recipe is extremely easy to make, even for those who are a little foggy-headed due to lust or lack of sleep. Simply coat a sauté pan with a little olive oil, slice some asparagus, crack a few eggs, throw it all in the oven, and you’ve got yourself a scrumptious midnight snack. Your only challenge may be deciding whether to polish off every last morsel before returning to the bedroom. What could be better than the two of you sneaking a bite together under cover of night, perhaps clothed and perhaps not, feeding each other in the dim light when everyone else is asleep…pure heaven.

Enjoy!

Note: Recipe from http://www.splendidtable.org/

Play This DiscoveryGame – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

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Note: Anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride and sloth. Whether or not committing one of these sins will destine you to an eternity stoking Satan’s furnace is up for debate but one thing’s for sure, committing them in a relationship may leave you all alone and out in the cold. In this seven-part series, writer Michael Kerr explores each of the seven deadly sins and why they’re bad for couples.

The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins: Anger

There are plenty of things in the world to be angry about—Goldman Sachs and global warming com immediately to mind—so why does it seem like we’re always taking our pent-up emotions out on the person closest to us? Anger in and of itself is a normal and even healthy emotion in a relationship, says Nancy Recker, an associate professor of family and consumer science at Ohio State University. Left unresolved, however, anger is a demon that can manifest as chronic criticism, passive aggressiveness, seething resentment, jealousy or—at its most severe—emotional abuse and even physical violence.

The Madness of Unresolved Anger

There’s no sin deadlier to a relationship than anger unchecked. Unresolved anger is a swinging axe, taking bites out of intimacy until even those bonds with the deepest roots can topple to the ground. “Anger can be used to justify feelings, displace emotions or elevate self-worth,” says Recker. Expressing anger effectively can bring couples closer together, she insists, but acknowledges that most people are unskilled in dealing with anger constructively. Instead, we fall back on the few responses we learned in childhood—responses that generally involve kicking and screaming or, alternately, holding our breath until we turn blue. Unfortunately, neither of these tactics works very well if the goal is to sustain a healthy, happy relationship.

Constructive Ways to Express Anger

 No relationship will ever be free of conflict, but there are a number of ways an angry person can learn to manage madness.

• Communicate: Remember the old saying, “When you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’”? Keep that in the front of your mind when you’re about to go to war with a partner. You can’t know what your betrothed is thinking in any given situation unless you talk it out. So talk, don’t assume.
• Never Begin a Sentence With “You”: Statements such as “You always do this” or “You never do that” immediately put the other person on the defensive and are rarely constructive. And besides, this isn’t about your partner’s behavior; it’s about your feelings regarding his/her behavior. Remember, you can’t change another person, so tell it like it is instead—begin sentences with, “I feel this way when you….” It can make all the difference.
• Be Here Now: Focus on the issue at hand instead of throwing every past slight (either real or perceived) into the mix. It’s a lot easier to resolve problems when they’re taken on one at a time.
• Propose a Solution: If you only come armed with criticisms, you may win the battle but you’ll lose the war. Offer solutions instead of blame.
• Seek a Win/Win: Speaking of winning; if only one of you wins the other person loses. That’s not a relationship; that’s a prelude to a breakup.
• Timing is Everything: Pick an appropriate time and place to air your grievances. (Hint: not when the other person is rushing out the door for work or while dining with the in-laws). Also, know when to stop arguing—ideally, when each person has had a chance to discuss his or her differences. Then sleep on it.

Turning Down the Heat on Another Person’s Anger

Often, the person who is the target of anger is in the best position to defuse it, says W. Robert Nay, PhD, an Associate Professor at Georgetown University and the author of Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship.He recommends learning to recognize your own patterns as the first step towards changing the dynamic. Do you confront your partner or steer clear? Getting perspective will allow you to set boundaries. If you see your partner’s anger as your fault, the pattern is unlikely to change. Instead, says Nay, replace negative self-talk such as “I deserve this” with something along the lines of “I deserve to be treated with dignity.” (You do.) If you cave into your partner’s unacceptable expressions of anger you’re rewarding his or her bad behavior. Instead, says Nay, remain calm but stand your ground. Your feelings are every bit as valid as the person raging. Intimidation and coercion can only tear a relationship down. The best way to rebuild it is with rational communication. 

A Note About Abuse

When a person’s anger boils to overflowing it can show up as emotional abuse or physical violence. Men are often (but not always) the abuser in intimate relationships according to the Domestic Violence Resource Group, an Oregon-based nonprofit dedicated to helping survivors. More than one in four US women will be a victim of domestic violence at some point in their lives. If your partner’s anger turns ugly, don’t bother trying to get even; get out. Nobody deserves to be abused. Ever.

Note: Anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride and sloth. Whether or not committing one of these sins will destine you to an eternity stoking Satan’s furnace is up for debate but one thing’s for sure, committing them in a relationship may leave you all alone and out in the cold. In this seven-part series, writer Michael Kerr explores each of the seven deadly sins and why they’re bad for couples.

The Seven Deadly Relationship Sins: Sloth

I’ll admit it; I almost didn’t get around to writing this piece. My deadline seems irrelevant now that summer has finally come to Portland—the rare blue sky inspires thoughts of chucking my MacBook in favor of lazy days sipping iced Americanos in the sunshine. I wonder what my friends are doing while I’m sequestered in my apartment slaving away on this article…or at least contemplating slaving away on it. I’d better check Facebook to find out. Just as I suspected, they’re all lounging near swimming pools, lakes or rivers sipping colorful beverages. Jerks. Don’t they have jobs? Uh oh, now my stomach is rumbling…must be getting close to lunchtime. Eleven twenty three. Okay, I have 27 minutes to decide what I’m going to eat. Maybe I can concentrate better if I lie down and close my eyes.

The Unattractive Couch Potato

What were we talking about? Oh, right, sloth. The online dating website eHarmony recently did a survey of its members and found laziness to be in the top ten “can’t stands” for both men and women when it comes to a potential mate. Women—who ranked slothful partners at number nine on their least desirable list—are “looking for a partner who has some ambition, drive, passion and energy,” says the site. For men, a lazy partner was only slightly less tolerable, making the list at number ten. According to eHarmony, “being in a relationship with a couch potato can get old fast”—for both sexes. In an interview with another online dating giant Match.com, Natasha Burton, co-author of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags and relationship editor at Glo.com called laziness one of the biggest deal-breakers in a relationship. “Laziness connotes a lack of ambition as well as a lack of commitment and intention for life itself—which, for me, can be very unattractive.”

It’s Either the Xbox or Me!

Video games are one activity that has shown great promise in getting the slothful motivated. Unfortunately, it’s also an activity that is increasingly cited as a destroyer of relationships. A 2012 study by Brigham Young University put it more mildly, saying online gaming is linked to “marital dissatisfaction.” And what extreme dissatisfaction it is. Researchers surveyed 349 couples in which at least one of the partners played a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) such as World of Warcraft, and the findings were incontrovertible. A full three quarters of “gaming widows” (those spouses who didn’t play) said their partner’s game play was putting a strain on the marriage. Sixty five percent said they often fight with their spouse about his or her game playing. Neil Lundberg, one of the study’s authors, believes the problem may be even worse than the numbers suggest. “Interested spouses would say things like ‘I would love for my husband to take this survey, but there’s no way he’ll get off the computer long enough to take it.’ … You don’t want to take a survey on marital satisfaction when you’re on the verge of divorce,” he says.

The Root of Sloth

Often, sloth isn’t laziness at all. Research suggests that sloth is “rooted in fear and anxiety.” Many people are afraid of doing poorly, looking stupid or being judged and, so, instead of facing challenges they shut down and zone out instead. That lack of motivation, inattentiveness and distraction that lead to excessive gaming may be a sign of an underlying psychological disordersuch as depression or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (A.D.H.D.) say experts. “Regular life is hard, and [online], you’re offered a simpler alternative,” says Sherry Turkle, a social studies of science and technology professor at MIT. “It starts to feel gratifying,” A person with A.D.H.D. is often easily overwhelmed and may retreat to a television, computer or video games to calm his or her mind. “It’s not because they’re lazy or they don’t love their spouse, but because they are distracted,” says Melissa Orlov, author of the book The A.D.H.D. Effect on Marriage. If the root cause of sloth is a mental disorder, it can often take time for a couple to sort it out. Treatments for both depression and A.D.H.D. usually begin with medication, but typically also require talk or cognitive behavioral therapy—especially when a marriage is at stake.

Overcoming Sloth

Awareness of the underlying psychological basis is the first step to overcoming sloth. Other things slothful people can do to get motivated:

• Rely on reasonable time management techniques that are both flexible and reward-based  (Huge “to-do” lists are often counter-productive because they increase anxiety)
• Set goals: Write down positive reasons for engaging in tasks
• Be realistic: don’t set unreasonable goals (they’ll just undermine you)
• Break it down: pursue small goals at first (before you know it you’ll be tackling big ones)

Whew! Now that I’m finished with that, I need a nap.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Birds do it, bees might do it and, chances are you have done it, will do it or are, most likely, doing it right now. There’s an old joke that goes “98 percent of men masturbate, and the other two percent are liars.” According to studies by famed sex researcher Alfred Kinsey and others, that joke isn’t too far off. Virtually all men have masturbated at some point in their lives and most men have masturbated within the past month. Thanks to comedians; including Jerry Seinfeld and Louis CK, among others, modern masturbation has come out from under the covers and spurted into the bright light of day. However, there was a time not long ago when masturbation was no laughing matter.

A History of Self-Love

The word masturbation itself comes from the Latin root “manus stuprare,” which, depending on who you ask means either “self-abuse” or “self-defilement by one’s own hand.” The bible itself is rather silent on the issue of whether or not masturbation is against God, but that didn’t stop early Christian leaders from attempting to pry one of people’s sole pleasures from their hands. Because self-control is one of the core tenants of Christianity, masturbation was an easy early target, says Osom Kontula in his book Between Sexual Desire and Reality. As early as the 1^st century, theologians were throwing around terms such as “mortal sin” and “moral disorder” to describe the act of loving thyself. The idea, says Kontula, was to “civilize the beast within.” By the 4^th century, reformed hedonist and party pooper Augustine of Hippo (St. Augustine) decided that even a man’s erection was itself a sin because it occurred unconsciously. His unfortunate solution was, of course, to punish women for all those uncooperative boners, writing, “Thus the woman, but not the man, should veil herself to prevent her from causing this sinful response in the male.” Draping women in sacks to stop men from lusting worked about as well as one might expect: not even a little. Nor did St. Thomas Aquinas’ later teachings that self-pleasure was akin to bestiality and sodomy stop men from spanking their own bishops. Much to the chagrin of the church, masturbation continued unabated. In his book, The Roman Citizen, author Peter Moor View discussed the ways in which masturbation was dissuaded during the Roman Empire. Techniques included (but where not limited to) male chastity belts, flogging with a rod and bandaging the whacker’s genitalia in a “mixture of herbs and peppers, which inflicted excruciating pain on the treated parts.” 

Wiping Away the Myths

By far the most effective crusade against the wretched dong floggers has involved good, old-fashioned shaming and fear mongering. Despite overwhelming evidence that masturbation is actually beneficial to both a person’s physical and mental health (see below), shaming—while not exactly stopping guys from cranking their shanks—has at least made them feel bad about it. In a recent Planned Parenthood survey, approximately 50 percent of men reported feeling guilty when they hoist their own petards. The myths vs. the facts:

• You’ll Go Blind: No, you won’t—just ask any old guy with perfectly good eyesight who’s still jerking the gherkin.
• You’ll Grow Hair on Your Palms: Unless you know someone with hypertrichosis (a condition that causes abnormal hair growth all over the body), you probably have never met someone with hair on their palms. Besides, doesn’t it seem more likely that stroking the weasel would prevent hair growth? Think, man.
• It Leads to Mental Illness: There is no evidence that masturbation makes you crazy—however, a sure sign of mental illness is running around telling guys that spanking their monkeys will cause hair to grow on their palms.
• It’ll Lead to Curvature of the Penis: A cock that’s curved when erect is common and not the result of playing the skin flute, says Michael Ashworth, Ph.D.
• It’ll Sap Your Strength: Like the boxer’s mantra “no sex before a fight,” this one is an urban myth. Although it may make you sleepy.
• It Causes Infertility: Sperm is continually produced and will not “run out.”

The Benefits of Beating Off

Despite centuries of religious persecution aimed at keeping sperm in a wife’s vagina where it belongs, it turns out that masturbation has some benefits besides just feeling fantastic. “We are programmed, as best we know, to need orgasms,” says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist in Athens, Georgia. The benefits of manipulating your mango include:

• Promotes Prostate Health: Men who ejaculate at least five times a week are more than 30 percent less likely to develop prostate cancer than are their brothers who aren’t keeping their pipes clean, according to a 2003 Australian study. Apparently milking the lizard prevents cancer-causing toxins from accumulating.
• Lowers Blood Pressure: An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away?
• A Great Sleep Aid: You know that sleepy feeling you get post-polishing? It feels better than an Ambien and won’t leave you groggy the next morning.
• Prevents Premature Ejaculation: If a man suffering from PE masturbates nearly to the point of no return and then backs off, he can actually train his trouser snake to behave when a partner is involved, according to Dr. David Delvin and family planning specialist and Christine Webber. “If a man can do this several times before giving in and having a climax, it may well help him to develop the necessary control he’s been lacking to delay his climax during intercourse.”
• Helps With Delayed Ejaculation Too: At the opposite end of the spectrum are guys who just can’t get off with their partners. “Many such men are quite uptight about sex,” says Delvin. “If they can learn to masturbate with their partner, this can help them a great deal.” Practice makes perfect.

As far as the morality of masturbation goes, perhaps comedian George Carlin said it best, “If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.” So there you go—if Carlin said it, it must be so. Feel free to spill at will.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

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Some people seem to have everything—a great career, plenty of money and happy, healthy relationships. So often, those very same people are what scientists refer to as “jerks.” Why do bad people always seem to get what they want, while the rest of us “good people” often find ourselves unfulfilled? As we wallow in unsatisfactory jobs and mediocre relationships, bad people appear to catch all the breaks. Bestselling author Dean Koontz once wrote, “Bad people succeed and good people fail, but that’s not the end of the story.” Take heart, it’s really not.

The Good, The Bad and The Reality

Let’s just get this out of the way up front. The vast majority of people aren’t inherently bad (although it depends on how you define “bad”). For every Joseph Stalin there are thousands of folks—probably a lot like you—who, although they may not be the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa, go through life trying to do good in the world. We may occasionally find ourselves behaving badly but, for the most part, most of us try to stay on the straight and narrow. By contrast, truly bad people often have traits that contribute to success in many areas of their lives—including relationships.

You Might Be a Psychopath

Psychologists have a name for objectively bad people: they call them psychopaths. According to statistics, psychopaths account for between one and two percent of the population. Contrary to popular belief, however, psychopathy isn’t a black or white illness, says Kevin Dutton, PhD, author of The Wisdom of Psychopaths. “Actually, within the framework of clinical psychology, a psychopath is someone with a distinct cluster of personality traits including charm, charisma, fearlessness, ruthlessness, narcissism, persuasiveness, and lack of conscience,” he says. Psychopathy also lies on a spectrum. He notes that psychopaths don’t have to be the knife-wielding Hannibal Lector types found in films. “Sure, at the sharp end you may well find your serial killers and axe murderers. But at the same time, all of us have our place at some point along the continuum.” In fact, he says, many psychopaths tend to function very well in society—very well indeed.

The Bad People Among Us

The personality traits that define these objectively bad people involve charm, manipulation and “ruthless exploitation of others,” says Craig S. Neumann, PhD, a professor of psychology at North Texas University. In short, lacking any shred of conscience or empathy for others without any guilt or regret, psychopaths often end up rising to the top of their fields and attracting the “perfect” mate. But not everything is always as it seems.

The Mask of the Good Marriage

“Psychopaths can seem like a very good catch,” says author Jon Ronson in his book The Psychopath Test. “Many of them are very attractive; they can be extremely charming, very persuasive in courtship, incredibly gallant.” He argues that such people often seem mysterious which is often alluring in and of itself. The problem is that their mysteriousness is a mask for something that is missing. “Charisma flourishes in absence,” he says. People should be careful when they look in from the outside and see all of these bad people in “good marriages.” Psychopaths often marry for money or a “trophy wife” or to acquire “social respectability,” says Ronson. And, because they lack guilt or remorse, psychopaths—who Ronson refers to as “whirlwinds of malevolence” tend to be controlling, manipulative and deceitful within their relationships. While male psychopaths are more prevalent than female ones (some studies put the ratio at 20:1), women with the condition can be just as alluring as the men for different reason. While male psychopaths often get the girl by being incredibly charming, female psychopaths tend to be hypersexual, a trait many men find very appealing. “Based on our clinical experience, we find psychopathic women are more likely than others to engage in sexual coercion, when they encounter conflict in their relationship,” say psychologists Dr. Raj Persaud and Helinä Häkkänen-Nyholm in a piece they wrote regarding a recent study of psychopaths that appeared in the Journal of Personality Disorders. One thing is true for both male and female psychopaths, however—love doesn’t factor into it at all.

Blame it On Confirmation Bias

If you believe most bad people have good marriages, the problem may be you. Blame it on confirmation bias. In cognitive science, confirmation bias is our human tendency to favor evidence that supports our own deeply held beliefs, attitudes or prejudices.  We all suffer from confirmation biases to a certain extent but beliefs such as “only bad people get ahead” can be a self-fulfilling—and unhealthy—prophecy. Ask yourself, how many bad people have you heard of that really have objectively good relationships? After all, we all know how über-bad person Adolf Hitler and his erstwhile mistress Eva Braun’s one-day marriage ended. It’s not exactly the stuff of fairytales. The truth may instead be closer to the end of Koontz’s quote above. “Miracles happen that nobody sees, and among us walk heroes who are never recognized, and people live in loneliness because they cannot believe they are loved.” Chances are, however, that you truly are loved by someone—possibly many someones—and for all the right reasons.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Tanya has been known to write recipes on napkins, receipts, and Post-it notes, but has stopped short of having recipes tattooed to her derrière, though her favorites have left their mark there anyway.

Some Like It Hot

Whether you’re seeking refuge from scorching temperatures outside or want to see the mercury rising in the bedroom, try reaching for something spicy to snack on. While it may seem counterintuitive to eat hot food when the heat index is soaring, there’s really something to this connection. In fact, the world’s spiciest cuisines originate in the hottest climates – think India, Thailand, and Mexico. The spice more often than not traces to some sort of pepper. As it turns out, capsaicin — the chemical that gives peppers their heat — stimulates circulation, bringing blood to the surface of the skin. It also causes you to sweat and both of these cause the core body temperature to drop, making you feel cooler.  Somewhat paradoxically, even as capsaicin works to cool you off, it will also heat up your sex drive. Hot peppers may just be as close as nature gets to Viagra!

You Can’t Tell How Hot ‘Til You Try

In honor of the little miracle that is capsaicin, try cooking up some hot and spicy pico de gallo quesadillas. This recipe is not only healthy and mouthwatering, but it’s also fun to make either with or for that hot man or woman in your life. To top it off, you can tailor the recipe in countless ways: make it vegetarian; substitute beef, black beans, or crab meat for the chicken; serve with a side of guacamole; add even more zing and spice with your favorite salsa…see what amazing creations you can concoct to tantalize and tease your taste buds (and, perhaps more importantly, the taste buds of that tasty someone sitting across from you at the table).

An ideal finger food, quesadillas make for a great informal meal or appetizer. As a refreshing side dish, slice some fresh watermelon and jicama (a refreshing root vegetable known as the “Mexican yam” with a high water content and delicious crunch) and sprinkle with a little lime juice. Mix up a few margaritas and you’ve got yourself one sizzlin’ date.

Maybe a quick explanation of what this is?

Enjoy!

A note of caution: Be extremely careful when handling hot peppers. Do not touch your eyes or other sensitive body parts without first washing. If cooking with the super-hot habanera pepper, it’s a good idea to use gloves if you have some on hand.

Pico de Gallo Chicken Quesadillas 

Serves 2

• 1 tomato, diced
• ½ red onion, finely chopped
• 1 lime, juiced
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh cilantro
• ½ jalapeno pepper, seeded and minced
• ½ habanera pepper, seeded and minced (optional)
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 tablespoon olive oil, divided
• 1 skinless, boneless chicken breast half, cut into strips
• ¼ red onion, thinly sliced
• ½ green bell pepper, thinly sliced
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 2 (12-inch) flour tortillas
• ½ cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese
• sour cream, for topping

1. In a small bowl, combine tomatoes, onion, lime juice, cilantro, jalapeño, habanera, salt and pepper. Set
   aside.
2. In a large skillet, heat ½ tablespoon olive oil. Add chicken and sauté until cooked through and juices run clear. Remove chicken from skillet and set aside.
3. Put the remaining ½ tablespoon of olive oil in the hot skillet and sauté the sliced onion and green pepper until tender. Stir in the minced garlic and sauté until the aroma is strong. Mix in half of the pico de gallo and chicken breast meat. Set aside; keep warm.
4. In a heavy skillet, heat one flour tortilla. Spread a handful of shredded cheese on the tortilla and top with half the chicken mixture. Sprinkle another handful of cheese over the chicken and top with another tortilla. When bottom tortilla is lightly brown and cheese has started to melt, flip quesadilla and cook on the opposite side. Remove quesadilla from skillet and cut into quarters. Serve quesadillas with sour cream and remaining pico de gallo.

Classic Margarita

Serves 2

• 1/2 of a 6-ounce can frozen limeade concentrate
• 3 fluid ounces tequila
• 1 fluid ounce triple sec

1. Fill blender with crushed ice. Pour in limeade concentrate, tequila and triple sec. Blend until smooth.
2. Pour into glasses and serve.

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By: Karen Hendry

Stress, stress, stress!  Stress is bad.  Stress makes us sick.  Stay away from stress.  Well, here’s a news flash for everyone – we are addicted to stress!  “Addicted to stress?  How can we be addicted to stress,” you ask.  Well, let’s take a look at what stress is.  It’s natural and a little stress can be beneficial to everyone.  It is a response from our body that is designed to protect us from harm.  It produces that flight or fight response that makes us either want to punch someone or run away as fast as we can.

Acute stress is defined by the University of Maryland Medical Center as “…the reaction to an immediate threat, commonly known as the fight or flight response. The threat can be any situation that is perceived, even subconsciously or falsely, as a danger.”  How can this be something we become addicted to?  Because acute stress can become chronic stress, about which they say “Frequently, modern life poses ongoing stressful situations that are not short-lived. The urge to act (to fight or flee) must therefore be controlled. Stress, then, becomes chronic.”  In the case of chronic stress, stress acts like a stimulant or, rather, the chemicals released when we are under stress acts as stimulants.

Think about it.  When you are under stress what happens to your body and your mind?  You become more alert, you don’t tire as easily, you can have increased physical strength.  This happens to people, plain and simple.  Well, this reaction in your body is because of the presence of a drug.  When you are under extreme stress you are on drugs!  Do you know what that drug is?  Adrenalin.  Yep, that’s it.  Adrenalin, a chemical that acts as a stimulant in the body.  People are addicted to stress because of the adrenalin rush they get from it.  Some people use cocaine or ecstasy – crazy – some people get an adrenalin rush from doing extreme sports – insane – and some people use stress as a means to get that rush of adrenalin – completely mental.

Now here is another thing that just might knock your socks off – stress might actually deliver health benefits to some people!  You know those type-A personalities, the ones we think of as work-a-holics, who need to control others, their schedule, and basically everything that goes on around them?  These are the people who thrive on stress.  These are the people who need the release of adrenalin and research conducted by Dr. Robert Ader at the University of Rochester suggests that for these people stress might actually provide resistance to some forms of disease.  Being under stress much of the time can also be a way for people to avoid their feelings of inadequacy, of being unworthy, of unattractiveness.

So, if stress can do all this and can make us feel so good, why is it considered to be so bad?  Well, here’s the thing.  Stress doesn’t only cause the release of these stimulating chemicals in the body; it also causes the release of a nasty little chemical called cortisol and this can wreak havoc on the body.  It has been thought to depress the immune system, although there is new evidence to suggest that it actually kicks the immune system into overdrive, which is still a bad thing.  The Mayo Clinic also states that the presence of cortisol causes blood sugar levels to rise, suppresses the digestive and reproductive systems as well as the body’s growth processes.  A person who is addicted to stress and who is under a lot of stress much of the time is going to have cortisol running rampant right along side the adrenalin.  Their body is paying a huge price, but they feel so great they don’t even notice – at least not until they are in the hospital getting an ECG because of their rapid heartbeat and chest pain.

Let’s be clear.  Human have always been under stress.  The need to survive has generally been the cause of it.  A hundred thousand years ago we were under stress as we tried not to be killed by wild animals and as we worked to ensure we had enough food to feed ourselves and our tribe.  These days we are under stress of a different kind, the stress of earning enough money, but in the end it’s still all about ensuring we have enough food to feed our families and a roof over our heads.  But maybe, in our modern world, we have less control over our destiny.  When we were hunter gatherers, we were the ones in direct control of finding food and catching or gathering it, of creating a home out of our environment.  These days the fate of our survival is in the hands of our employers, the people who can downsize the company and let us go in an instant – the type As!

How many of us are addicted to stress?  No one really knows.  It probably isn’t everyone, but you better believe it’s a lot of people.  Are you one of them?  Bet you’re wondering about that now, aren’t you?  If you brag about how busy you always are, if you are secretly (or not so secretly) happy about how long your to-do list is, if you like to talk about how much stress you are under, then you just might be on drugs – stress drugs!  If this is the case, then do yourself a favor and get some help.  Learn how to feel a sense of accomplishment without having to be under loads of stress.  If that doesn’t work, then take up skydiving.

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By: Theresa

Theresa is an experienced relationship and addiction counselor and mental health expert.

Americans as opposed to other minority groups. It is estimated that over 80 percent of Americans have participated in some kind of gambling activityat least once in their lives. Some people think that gambling on the lottery in hopes of winning millions is a harmless activity because there is so much temptation and legal gambling is easily accessible to almost everyone. So how does this affect relationships?

Mark and Debbie have been married for five years. The beginning of their marriage was great until Mark developed a gambling addiction. It started with scratch off tickets from the local gas station, footballs pools at work and the occasional poker game with friends. Mark won a few times but lost a lot more often. Debbie started noticing disconnection notices and more credit cards coming in the mail. Mark had always been very responsible so she didn’t worry about it at first. She figured that he forgot to send the check since he had been working so many extra hours lately. In reality, Mark was lying to Debbie about working late because he was out gambling. He had lost so much money that all he wanted to do was make it back. He lied about where he was, where the money was going and they eventually ended up bankrupt.

A gambling addiction will also negatively affect a relationship financially as demonstrated above. Most casinos will cash checks for patrons and that may lead to the account being overdrawn. Many people may also take cash advances on credit cards until they are maxed out during their mania. In turn, when the credit card bills come in, they panic and hide the bills. They may lie about the finances and this leads to the deception.

Lying, secrecy and deception is only the beginning of the effects of a gambling addiction. Studies have shown that households that have a gambling addict also have higher instances of domestic violence as well as child abuse. It is also shown that people who are alcoholics are more susceptible to becoming a gambling addict. In fact, gambling and alcohol seem to go hand in hand, as most casinos make sure that their players are never without drink.

Anyone can become addicted to gambling. In society, a friendly wager is never frowned upon. In fact, we have all engaged in some kind of gambling behavior. We may bet on sporting events or run to the lottery agents when the temptation of a few million dollars gets to the best of us. As children, we may have bet on video games or bet each other on who could perform a specific task the best. There is no particular traumatic event that makes someone want to gamble. All of us are at risk.

As with any other addiction, there are also two stages. There is the mania, where the sufferer has feelings of euphoria. They may go into the casino or gambling establishment with high hopes of winning. In fact, they may actually win some money. In fact, they may win a lot of money and feel they cannot lose. They may have a goal of winning all of the money that they have recently lost or even enough to cover the tracks of their last gambling binge. This mania is always followed by a depressive stage. During this stage, the addict will feel badly about himself or herself, they will feel like failures when it comes to providing for their families. This is a very dangerous stage because it will lead to desperation. He or she may feel that if they had one more chance they could win the money back. This desperate time may lead to risky behavior, which may lead to financial ruin or even incarceration.

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