By: Karen Hendry

Stress, stress, stress!  Stress is bad.  Stress makes us sick.  Stay away from stress.  Well, here’s a news flash for everyone – we are addicted to stress!  “Addicted to stress?  How can we be addicted to stress,” you ask.  Well, let’s take a look at what stress is.  It’s natural and a little stress can be beneficial to everyone.  It is a response from our body that is designed to protect us from harm.  It produces that flight or fight response that makes us either want to punch someone or run away as fast as we can.

Acute stress is defined by the University of Maryland Medical Center as “…the reaction to an immediate threat, commonly known as the fight or flight response. The threat can be any situation that is perceived, even subconsciously or falsely, as a danger.”  How can this be something we become addicted to?  Because acute stress can become chronic stress, about which they say “Frequently, modern life poses ongoing stressful situations that are not short-lived. The urge to act (to fight or flee) must therefore be controlled. Stress, then, becomes chronic.”  In the case of chronic stress, stress acts like a stimulant or, rather, the chemicals released when we are under stress acts as stimulants.

Think about it.  When you are under stress what happens to your body and your mind?  You become more alert, you don’t tire as easily, you can have increased physical strength.  This happens to people, plain and simple.  Well, this reaction in your body is because of the presence of a drug.  When you are under extreme stress you are on drugs!  Do you know what that drug is?  Adrenalin.  Yep, that’s it.  Adrenalin, a chemical that acts as a stimulant in the body.  People are addicted to stress because of the adrenalin rush they get from it.  Some people use cocaine or ecstasy – crazy – some people get an adrenalin rush from doing extreme sports – insane – and some people use stress as a means to get that rush of adrenalin – completely mental.

Now here is another thing that just might knock your socks off – stress might actually deliver health benefits to some people!  You know those type-A personalities, the ones we think of as work-a-holics, who need to control others, their schedule, and basically everything that goes on around them?  These are the people who thrive on stress.  These are the people who need the release of adrenalin and research conducted by Dr. Robert Ader at the University of Rochester suggests that for these people stress might actually provide resistance to some forms of disease.  Being under stress much of the time can also be a way for people to avoid their feelings of inadequacy, of being unworthy, of unattractiveness.

So, if stress can do all this and can make us feel so good, why is it considered to be so bad?  Well, here’s the thing.  Stress doesn’t only cause the release of these stimulating chemicals in the body; it also causes the release of a nasty little chemical called cortisol and this can wreak havoc on the body.  It has been thought to depress the immune system, although there is new evidence to suggest that it actually kicks the immune system into overdrive, which is still a bad thing.  The Mayo Clinic also states that the presence of cortisol causes blood sugar levels to rise, suppresses the digestive and reproductive systems as well as the body’s growth processes.  A person who is addicted to stress and who is under a lot of stress much of the time is going to have cortisol running rampant right along side the adrenalin.  Their body is paying a huge price, but they feel so great they don’t even notice – at least not until they are in the hospital getting an ECG because of their rapid heartbeat and chest pain.

Let’s be clear.  Human have always been under stress.  The need to survive has generally been the cause of it.  A hundred thousand years ago we were under stress as we tried not to be killed by wild animals and as we worked to ensure we had enough food to feed ourselves and our tribe.  These days we are under stress of a different kind, the stress of earning enough money, but in the end it’s still all about ensuring we have enough food to feed our families and a roof over our heads.  But maybe, in our modern world, we have less control over our destiny.  When we were hunter gatherers, we were the ones in direct control of finding food and catching or gathering it, of creating a home out of our environment.  These days the fate of our survival is in the hands of our employers, the people who can downsize the company and let us go in an instant – the type As!

How many of us are addicted to stress?  No one really knows.  It probably isn’t everyone, but you better believe it’s a lot of people.  Are you one of them?  Bet you’re wondering about that now, aren’t you?  If you brag about how busy you always are, if you are secretly (or not so secretly) happy about how long your to-do list is, if you like to talk about how much stress you are under, then you just might be on drugs – stress drugs!  If this is the case, then do yourself a favor and get some help.  Learn how to feel a sense of accomplishment without having to be under loads of stress.  If that doesn’t work, then take up skydiving.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.

Living with someone with an addiction to work, is still living with an addict. Of course, there is a difference between a hard working person and being a work addict. While that line might be a narrow one, what it draws is an important difference between the two issues. Hard work is what brings success, joy and the fulfillment of dreams. Work addiction brings instability, exhaustion and stress. Hard work strives to gain something. Work addiction hides from something. And that difference is all the difference. Wayne Oates created the term ‘workaholic’ over three decades ago, in his book Confessions of a Workaholic. 30 years on, we are still gathering confessions.

Having danced along that fine line myself a few years back, with very little grace or poise, I see now that I was dangerously close to becoming a permanent work addict. Being a tourist operator in a seven day a week business saw me become a borderline crazy person and downright unpleasant. My relationship had fallen apart so I worked longer hours to avoid going home to an empty house. My exhaustion and sadness tricked me into taking on more and more of a workload because I felt that I would be more valued and appreciated if I worked longer hours to get things done.  Wow. I must have been slightly nuts. The long grueling hours turned me into a Grinch.  No one thanked me. Hell, no one spoke to me, and I don’t blame them one bit. Everyone avoided me because I was irritable, unpleasant, foul-tempered and an absolute martyr. Luckily for me, I had a forced holiday for a family wedding, and after three weeks away, I decided to quit. I realized what that job was allowing me to do to myself and I painfully realized I was avoiding facing up to my failed relationship. Hands-down, the best decision I ever made. I needed the break from work, and work needed a break from me.

According to licensed clinical social worker, Nancy D Losinno, work addiction is a psychological issue and is most often related to stress, low self-esteem and perfectionism. She notes the following as tell-tale signs of a work addict.

• Marriage becomes serious – lacks in fun
• Work addicted partner is always rushing around, has no time for meaningful conversation
• Non work addicted spouse feels lonely, almost abandoned
• The work-addicted spouse is physically, sexually and emotionally remote
• Work addicted partner uses the ‘silent treatment’
• Work addicted partner is emotionally demanding on the family

In this digital world we live in, technology is perhaps making us more vulnerable to work addictions. We are constantly available through our phones, Ipods, Ipads, tablets, laptops and whatever else gets invented today or tomorrow. Our downtime is diminishing with technology. A study into work addiction and technology perspectives conducted by Emerald Insight found that with our increasing need for a communication device there is a definite potential to over adapt to technology and fall into a pattern of work addiction.

I was almost there a few years ago, and I still struggle with my work habits on occasion. I managed to jump back onto the right side of the fence, but if you or someone you know is not that lucky, there are support groups, forums and doctors who can provide support and advice. Don’t fight the addiction monster alone, find some support and then use it. Once you take that step your life will begin to improve. You will find that you sleep more peacefully, socialize with grace and smile just because you are happy again.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.

By: Adrienne

Sex addiction as become the butt of pretty well every joke told the last few years, thanks to a string of red-handed celebrities hiding behind the tag.  While it may be funny coming out of the TV screen, it’s anything but funny when you’re coping with it in your own relationship. The truth is sex addiction is as real as an alcohol or gambling addiction. In a recent paper published by Milkman and Sunderwirth found that the arousal experienced by sex addicts have the same effects on the brain as using cocaine and amphetamines as well as compulsive gambling and other high-risk behavior. Many experts on sexual addiction are even developing a 12-Step program like those used for substance abuse and other addictive activities.

The Experience of A “Real Life” Sexual Addict

It really is hard to buy the “Sex Addict” story from stars with their “Ahem” hands caught in the cookie jar, and guys like Tiger Woods and Michael Douglas really have undermined the serious issue that genuine sex addiction actually is.  Susan Cheever, daughter of the late writer John Cheever, wrote a book called Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction, in which she shares her own experiences, along with those of individuals she encountered while researching the book.  In an interview for CBS, Cheever admitted: “Whenever there was a situation in which I was terrified or panicky, I would often find myself sleeping with somebody who appeared to have power over that situation.” In one instance, after learning of her mother’s cancer diagnoses Ms. Cheever confessed that she had sex because she “needed to feel less helpless”.

A sex addict’s actions aren’t fueled by a relationship with their partner, it goes much deeper than just having an indiscretion or not being committed to their marriage or relationship.

In Love with an Addict

For the partner of a sex addict it can feel as if the entire world is being turned upside down. The combination of emotions, from shock and rage to guilt, despair and most deceivingly, isolation, are gut-wrenching. Although their situation is hardly unique. Approximately 9 million (3 to 6 percent) of the American population suffers from sex addiction. This can refer to more than just an addiction to the actual act of having sex with others, but also masturbation, cybersex, phone sex, pornography, and more. Not all sex addicts have physical affairs, some instead spend several hours a day in sex chat rooms or obsessively looking at pornography, although this doesn’t make it any less difficult for their partners, who inevitably feel betrayed and abandoned.

Anyone having trouble coming to terms with their partner’s sexual addiction should read the work of Dr.Patrick Carnes, PhD, one of the leading experts on sexual addiction. His books Out of the Shadows and Don’t Call It Love have proven to be must-reads for partners of sexual addicts as a great source of information and comfort. He insists the problem doesn’t have anything to do with the partner and everything to do with the addict’s belief system.

In his book, Out of the Shadows, Carnes says: “Generally, addicts do not perceive themselves as worthwhile persons. Nor do they believe that other people would care for them or meet their needs if everything was known about them, including the addiction. Finally, they believe that sex is their most important need. Sex is what makes isolation bearable. If you do not trust people, one thing that is true about sex–and alcohol, food, gambling, and risk–is that it always does what it promises–for the moment. Thus, as in our definition of addiction, the relationship is with sex–and not people.”

Signs that Your Partner Has a Sexual Addiction

Is your partner spending several hours online for reasons that they keep from you? It could be that they are engaging in some sort of sexual behavior online such as sex chat or cybersex, visiting porn websites, or even exchanging emails and dirty pictures with others.

Has your partner continued to engage in sexual activity that you have already expressed your feelings about and asked them to stop? An inability to stop certain behaviour despite the known consequences, such as damage to the relationship, work life, or financial situation is a sure sign of addiction.

Has there been a significant change in how often your partner has sex with you? When someone is having sex or masturbating multiple times per day, they have little energy or desire to have sex with their partner. The opposite can be true for some, with their need for sex several times a day making them insist on sex with you more than usual.

If you have answered yes to some or all of these questions, it may be time to speak to your partner about the possibility of sex addiction. Secrecy and shame are common with sexual addicts, so being forthcoming about their problem might be extremely difficult for your partner.  Be sensitive and be honest about how their behaviour is affecting you. Sexual addiction treatment centers and support groups specific to the partners and spouses of sexual addicts exist and can provide you with the guidance that you need to keep from getting lost in your partner’s addiction or giving in to the guilt and anger common when being involved with an addict. Help is just a click or a phone call away.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.

Thirty years ago, in a different life I was married to a police officer who left our small family for extended periods of time for training. It was all so different in those days, airfare was far more expensive than it is today, there were no such thing as long distance plans and the Internet had not been invented for ordinary citizens. During the extended period of time that he was away, the kids and I shared short telephone conversations with him once a week and he returned home only once for a visit. When he finally did return, we had to reintegrate him into our lives. That was difficult and perhaps may have been a contributing factor to our divorcing a few years later.

Two of my children are part of military families, they face frequent separations of different durations. It’s a struggle for both the person who stays at home with the children and the one who is far from home, but things have changed so much in the past 25 years. The difference is huge and couples today have so many more tools that help to make the separation more attached.

I got to see this first hand today. I’m currently working on a short-term contract at a somewhat remote mine site. The world of miners, oil patch workers and dozens of other trades that develop distant regions is one of continual separation and reunion.  The average day is twelve hours and everyone lives in a camp far from home. While riding the bus from the mine to the camp at the end of shift, the conversations were not between co-workers. Almost everyone on the bus was engaged in a conversation via cell phone, or texting and emailing from their smart phone. The bus was quiet except for the hushed voices the father’s spoke to the children, and then switched to private conversations with their wives. Every aspect of parenting and loving their spouse occurs in those few available minutes between the end of shift and sleep. For these men and women, who work hard for twelve hours, every day, for weeks or months at time, technology has brought their families to them daily.

So often, we hear complaints about how technology is taking over our lives and we don’t have real relationships. However, for many people, technology is what helps them to feel present in the lives of their children and lovers. Probably the most heartwarming examples of this are those families that are benefiting from the work the military has done to improve the lives of their members. The military has encouraged deployed soldiers to take advantage of the internet and computers they provide for couples and parents regularly via Skype.

We should be applauding this and Tokii.com does. To help combat dropped calls and poor cell reception couples can play our DiscoveryGames. Even if they can’t actually speak on the phone by playing games together they can share their thoughts and opinions easily and playfully. They can share their mood, learn how each other feels on big topics that affect the world or those that just affect their home.

Cell phones, internet, texting, webcam, are not the enemy, anymore than radio, telephones and television were. The tools we have today allow a couple to connect far more frequently than any other time in the past. Never again does a spouse have to wait weeks for letters to be delivered from far away places. Today a couple can be separated by oceans and still blow kisses to each other every night.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.

Managing a blended family can be one of the most difficult tasks that anyone will face in a lifetime. Today, a blended family is the norm rather than the exception.

If you’re part of a blended family, more than likely you already know how hard it can be to make things work. Today, blended families are more the norm than the exception. I grew up in two different blended families, both my mother and father remarried, and my teen years were divided living between both.

As an adult, I had hoped that I might have a chance at a successful marriage and be one of the lucky ones that achieved a long-lasting relationship that withstood the test of time, but, of course that didn’t happen. I married young, looking for the unrealistic fantasy, had two children and was divorced within a decade. I remarried several years later and had my third daughter, determined that true love was still possible.

17 years later, my outlook on things has changed a bit, with my expectations decidedly different. My husband and I have managed to stay married, although there have been times that both of us had wanted to call it quits. Marriage is hard work, and when you add children that are his or hers, or both, it throws yet another wrench into the mix.

Staying married to the same person for 50 or 60 years has become a rare accomplishment. According to a report by the University of Houston’s Jennifer Garcia, at least 50% of American children are raised in blended families.  When taking common-law families into account, this figure is probably even higher.

Look around you. How many homes include a family with two parents in a traditional marriage that have only said their vows to each other? Having lived in a number of different locations, looking back to each neighborhood those statistics seem to be right in line with reality.

Whether you’re about to embark on a journey in a new blended family or would like to learn a little bit more about managing your blended family, here are five tips to help you:

1. Finances

If you haven’t already done so, be sure to have an open discussion with your spouse about your goals and expectations in regard to finances. This should be done within any marriage, but it can be even more important with the additional difficulties faced in a blended family.

If you’re afraid to talk about what you’re spending, or if you’re keeping a deep, dark secret about your finances, your marriage is likely to be headed for disaster. This was one of the first big stumbling blocks in my second marriage. My first husband became angry whenever I spent money on anything that he considered frivolous and, based on that experience, I tried to cover up even the smallest purchases from my second husband to avoid a heated confrontation. These actions only served to lessen his trust in me when he discovered what I’d done.

The financial E-Personal Finance experts give some excellent advice that we also found to work well in our family.

Consider having both individual and combined bank accounts. For example, you might have one combined account for household expenses and vacations, and individual accounts for your own personal expenses. Neither partner should feel as though they have to ask the other for money in order to make small purchases. On the other hand, you should always consult your spouse on major purchases, such as a car, big screen TV, high end jewelry and clothing, etc.

You should also consider your financial priorities as a collective, make a budget based on that discussion, and stick to it.

2. Raising children

It’s important to work as a team when raising your children, whether it’s his, hers, or both. If you each bring your own set of children into the marriage, it would behoove you to discuss how you’ll handle different situations that may arise, and come to an agreement beforehand.

When my new husband tried to discipline my daughter, she immediately reacted in a way that many children do when faced with this situation, becoming bitter and resentful. He wanted to earn her respect, and it backfired.

Instead, we found, as psychologists on the Parenthood in America site suggests, it works better to allow the biological parent to do the disciplining while the other is there for backup or support.  As a new step-parent, you should move slowly and carefully in developing a relationship with your step-children. Focus on their positive qualities and allow the other parent to be the disciplinarian, but at the same time don’t let the child get away with something that their parent has already ruled against. Having a sense of humor can also work wonders.

3. Sibling rivalry

With multiple children involved, there is bound to be some sibling rivalry. According to Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D., it’s important to never try and force a positive relationship, but encourage open family discussions to resolve matters and try to focus on similar qualities and interests instead.

Biringen suggests, “From the start, treat each of your children in a special way. With new additions to the family, continue to make your other children feel special and give them extra time and attention.”

4. Take care of yourself

It’s essential to remember to take care of yourself. By continuing to put everyone else ahead of your own needs, you’ll not only jeopardize your emotional health, but you might compromise your physical health as well. I learned this the hard way, with a natural instinct to want to take care of everyone else. I ended up exhausted, unhappy and was even diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, a chronic disorder that can become worse with too much stress.

By incorporating an exercise program into my schedule, as also suggested by The Mayo Clinic, I found that it not only worked wonders for endorphins, but it also gave me more energy to get through your day. By also spending just ten minutes a day practicing deep breathing or meditation, I was able to keep my stress levels in check which gave me the ability to manage my family better.

5. Take care of your marriage

As suggested by a licensed professional counselor, it’s also important to make your spouse a priority. Williams suggests, “All married couples need adult or non-kid time together. Alone time allows husband and wife to reconnect, make plans, relax and play.”

I found that by spending all of my time on my job, taking care of the house and worrying about keeping the kids happy and healthy, my relationship suffered. It bloomed once again when we began scheduling a date alone together once a week and helped us to remember why we connected in the first place.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.

There is no denying that managing a blended family is a very difficult task. At least 50% of American children are raised in a blended family, according to a report by the University of Houston’s Jennifer Garcia, and when taking common-law families into account, this figure is probably even higher.

Of course, many children who are products of a broken family end up as happy, healthy and successful adults. I think we’d all like our kids to turn out this way, and there are several things you should avoid doing in order to put the odds in their favor.

Don’t forget to spend equal time with your children and step-children

In an effort to earn the love of a step-child, some new step-parents spend too much time with the child of their new spouse and leave their own behind.

A close friend of mine married a man with a ten-year-old daughter. She had an eight-year-old son of her own, and because she’d always wanted to have a girl that she could take shopping and play dress-up with, she ended up devoting a large percentage of her time to her new step-daughter while her own son became resentful and ultimately displayed some rather bad behavior.

The University of Florida’s Stepping Stones for Families Series states, “it’s important to spend time alone with each child, especially in noncompetitive activities,” and as Douglas Darnall, Ph.D., notes, step-children also need to spend time with their own biological parent. Try to keep all the relationships within a blended family as balanced and as equal as possible.

Don’t treat children as friends

It’s hard not to want to be friends with your child or stepchild, but it’s important they’re allowed to be children and not burdened with adult problems.

Susan Pease Gadoua, L.C.S. W., writes in an article on Psychology Today, “Those who are using their children to get their emotional needs met may believe that the new arrangement is a good one because they believe everyone benefits. They get their needs met and, as they see it, their children benefit because they get to feel useful and loved. The adults may not realize that there are many more negative impacts on children who are parentified than positive.”

This was a hard lesson for me to learn, and my oldest daughter has discussed with me how it negatively affected her younger years.

Don’t display jealousy of your child’s new step-parent

It’s also important to be sure children don’t feel like they’re being unfaithful to a biological parent for loving a stepparent. Never show jealousy if your child actually likes your former spouse’s new wife, or husband.

As per MarriageMissions.com, “Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents,” and new partners. They advise, “Don’t force children to make choices (an “emotional tug-of-war”) and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.”

Never dismiss what children tell you

If your child or stepchild confides in you, it’s important to take what he/she says seriously. Unfortunately, emotional, physical and sexual abuse can occur in both a traditional and blended family. My little brother was physically and emotionally brutalized by our older stepbrother in subtle ways that our parents didn’t notice or want to believe. It was only after he was seriously injured that something was done about it.

The Australian Childhood Foundation offers some good tips, that include: “listen to your child, try to understand the situation from their point of view, and encourage all the children in the new family to talk about their feelings or troubles.”

Don’t forget about your spouse

With so much attention focused on making sure the children are okay, sometimes the spouse is forgotten. It’s important to nurture this relationship as well. Be sure and schedule some time alone together. Doing something that you both enjoy will give you a break away from the kids and enhance your marriage.

A study by the Idaho State University showed that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is scheduling regular dates. They found that couples who went on dates more often were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together.

I can attest that this may be the key most important factor in a happy and lengthy marriage. It’s likely to help remind you of the reasons you married in the first place, and give you a stronger desire to maintain it.

Try These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.

Tantalizing Tokii Reads – to make relationship work into fun.

Touch base with Tokii. Get Together. Get Talking. Get Intimate. Join Tokii Today! Like Tokii on Facebook, Follow us on Twitter. Get inspired with Tokii Pinterest, Get a behind the scenes look at Tokii on Instagram.

Posted By: Portia Brockway

Many of us want our very own Prince Charming, traveling through many love-soaked days and delightful decades with this handsome dream boat. We may want to raise a family with him. Yet some of us hold onto an uncontrollable desire to be totally immersed in and dependent on the man in our lives rather than floating our own boat, nestled, rocking, alongside his. Such a person, usually a woman, is said to be stuck in the “Cinderella Complex”.

Today’s “Cinderella” imagines herself to be the fair maid who marries the Prince. They tie the knot for love, not food and shelter, but you can bet he treats her like a queen. She wants to be adored by him, to receive wild bouquets from his warm hands while he recites Shakespeare sonnets that speak of his undying devotion.  She wants the finest gowns and the most gala parties in her honor. Yet, depending too much on any one person can sooner or later leave us alone and abandoned. What if it doesn’t work out?

Princess Diana is a good example of the Cinderella dream and how it may go awry. As Lady Diana said, it’s hard to be in a marriage that consists of three people, the third being Prince Charles’ long time lover, Camilla. Over the months and years that followed their royal wedding Diana became disillusioned. Rather than going off and hiding in a corner, the Princess continued to develop herself as a distinct and committed community member. When she left the royal family the people loved her for her strength and courage in facing a bad situation and getting out of it, whatever the cost. She continued to carry on her work with the world-wide community, and sincerely devoted herself to helping others. She conquered the Cinderella Complex by becoming independent and striking out on her own.

There IS a happy medium, neither extreme dependence nor complete independence: interdependence within the community.

The bottom line is that we need each other, more than we need extra cash, a big house and a glamorous sports car. National Opinion Research Center surveys report that individuals believe the single most important factor in achieving personal happiness is relationships with family and friends. Individuals who reported having contact with five or more intimate friends in the prior six months were 60% more likely to report that their lives were “very happy.”

With 30% of American households headed by a single parent, we must rely on our friends’ strengths, even while we support them through their personal heavens and hells. In the Cyberspace network, activities such as online meet up groups: dating sites, professional networks, group ons (coupon ads), and other online methods for connecting offer us opportunities to find new friends and colleagues, and to be resourceful in penny allocation.

Being a single parent can be a very difficult financially. Government assistance programs can help with housing, education and food. Our extended family, perhaps the mother, aunt, uncle, sister, or brother may take care of the youngsters while we are at work, or out on a play date of our own.

At a 50% (U.S.) divorce rate, there are too many of us who feel isolated, abandoned, and unprepared for what lies ahead. When the kids stay with Dad, back and forth on alternate weekends or over holidays, we may be forced to maintain a peripheral tie with someone from whom we would rather walk away.

The flip side of this compromise is that the actual mother and father parent a child like no one else can. And, of course, with just the right twist, conflicts smooth out and the original friendship matures, blossoming beyond the sands of time.

Sometimes trained therapists help us to confront what holds us back from becoming all we want to be, and achieving our dreams. Therapy sessions can be the mill house that turns the grist of confusion into smooth and conscious relationships with yourself and others.

Once  emotional strife is let go we start to really love living, taking in our own moments amid the swirling dramas of the world around us. We willingly take on our ever-changing freedoms and responsibilities, to imagine, achieve, dream and become. Turning with the world this way, we realize that Prince Charming never would have been enough.

The average Joe may feel ho-hum about a number of things – like parsley as a garnish, or Tuesday versus Wednesday, or the color grey.  Ask any person about his or her thoughts on same sex marriage, however, and the engines seem to quickly ignite.

A Little History

Same sex marriage… “It’s complicated.”  This modern day, largely-American debate has all the makings of great drama:  a challenge to something traditional, a divisive moral debate, and opposing forces stuck in a stalemate.  That there is drama over whether or not individuals of the same gender should be allowed to enter into a legal state of matrimony, however, is nothing new.  Historically, states haven’t agreed about the level of control state governments should have in domestic affairs.  The federal government, by and large, has ducked to avoid such issues altogether.  As we can observe from Roe v. Wade, federal intervention in serious domestic issues is proven to set long-lasting legal precedents, and have tremendous power to polarize groups – even amongst friends and families.

If it’s true – the old adage about art imitating life – is it also true that our legal conundrums, and ultimately our final laws, also imitate life?  Joanna Grossman of Hofstra University’s School of Law, suggests that the same-sex marriage controversy is a recycling of a long history of morally-based legal fights that spring from hot social and moral topics.  According to Grossman, from a historical perspective, the great squabble over whether or not like-gendered individuals should be allowed to legally marry is a classic “sign of American times.”  Though British rebels so long ago set out to break “free” from many of the moral limitations imposed by government, Americans may not be able to escape our largely Puritan-driven heritage.

It is this paradox at the center of American society that has historically and persistently caused a lot of glitches in law-making.  Our country was founded on the fight for freedoms that should be afforded to all, yet is tempered by religious roots we have trouble shaking when it comes to some of the specifics.

In other countries like: the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, Portugal, Iceland and Argentina, same-sex unions are readily accepted. This socially unique phenomenon begs a little exploration into the Great American Debate.

Same Sex Marriage: The “For” Side

Supporters of same sex marriage in this hot, history-making debate feel the majority of those who oppose same sex marriage do so – quite simply – because of their personal religious beliefs. They contend that America was founded on the concept of “liberty and justice for all” so it’s not right to make laws based on any one group’s religious preferences and – essentially – “pick and choose” who is really included in the group that should enjoy the “unalienable rights” so fervently discussed in America’s Declaration of Independence. In response to nay-sayers who cite the preservation of the American family as their reason for opposing same-sex unions, supporters call foul, saying this is merely a religious argument in disguise.

Other supporters of same-sex unions (like President Obama, in a recent outing of his own – his strong opinion about same-sex marriage) used his Christian faith as the very basis of his support for same sex marriage. In fact, Obama cited the Golden Rule of “Do Unto Others…” taught by Jesus in the gospels, as his basis for supporting like-gender, legal marriages.

Cathy Speck, a partner in a same-sex union in California where same-sex marriage has been made legal, spoke in front of the senate and offered the following personal anecdote in defense of gay marriage:

When we step out of California, or deal with federal laws, we have none of those rights. This means if Linda and I travel out of state and my ALS requires a trip to the emergency room or a hospital stay, Linda could be denied the right to be with me at a time when I could be breathing my last breath.

When I die, Linda will not get my social security benefits. For heterosexual couples all over the country, when a person dies, their spouse gets their social security benefits. You get a monthly stipend because you’ve been paying into social security all your working life. You then draw off that money after you retire and if you die, it goes to your spouse or your dependent.

However, since the federal government does not recognize our marriage, Linda won’t get that. All the money I would have gotten to help support us if I were to grow older just goes back to the government.

Same Sex Marriage: The “Against” Side

But allowing same-sex marriage, says Eve Tushnet, a celibate, gay, conservative, Catholic writer, can only bring one of three less-than-ideal outcomes:

• A two-tiered marriage culture, where moral standards are different for heterosexual and homosexual couples
• A reshaping of the institution of marriage into an optional, individualized arrangement for every couple
• An institution that encourages all couples to restrict sex to marriage and encourages marriage for life, with the hope that same-sex couples accept norms initially designed to meet heterosexual needs

It’s a learned (and interesting to be sure, coming from a celibate, gay Catholic!) way to say:  If gay individuals are allowed to legally marry in the same way that has traditionally been reserved for heterosexuals, then marriage, itself – and what it means – will change.

Is that a bad thing?  For those who vehemently oppose same sex marriage, the answer is a resounding “yes.”  Those who oppose gay marriage, by default, support straight marriage, and if you ask supporters, never the twain shall meet (heterosexual married people and gay married people).  Whether religiously motivated or merely rooted in the comfort of tradition, many in strong opposition of same sex marriage cite the breakdown of the traditional family if homosexuals marry and enjoy the same societal and filial benefits of the traditional married couple.

Who Will Win the Great Debate?

The argument over whether or not it is a bad thing for the modern family to be defined in new ways is rooted in a fundamental clash of ideas about social institutions in general.  In this case, the true fight is over the meaning of marriage… what it stands for, what its goals are, and – quite simply – what it looks like.

Whether individuals on opposing sides will agree is ultimately going to have to be up to the individuals engaged in the dialogue.  Whether politics and law will land on one, overarching answer to this great debate… unlikely.

Amie Martin is a master-level social worker, freelance writer, and mom/stepmom to five wonderful, quirky, interesting children.

Sources:

Franck, Matthew.  On gay marriage, is Obama ‘imposing his religion’? The Washington Post published May 5, 2012

Grossman, Joanna L., Civil Rites: The Gay Marriage Controversy in Historical Perspective (March 18, 2010). Law, Society and History: Essays on Themes in the Legal History and Legal Sociology of Lawrence M. Friedman, Robert Gordon, ed., Cambridge University Press, 2010; Hofstra Univ. Legal Studies Research Paper No. 10-10.

Oppenheimer, Mark.  A Gay Catholic Voice Against Same-Sex Marriage.  The New York Times; published: June 4, 2010

Ouellette, Alicia R., Moral Reasoning in Judicial Decisions on Same-Sex Marriage. Philosophy and Sex, p. 168, 4th ed., Prometheus Books, 2009.

Marriage Equality USA

Posted By: Kimberly Byrne

Sometimes, life as a married couple isn’t always what one hopes for. Of course, at the beginning everything tends to be just like heaven on earth, but as the months or years pass, small things start to happen that make one realize everything might not be perfect. It can be a fleeting hateful thought toward each other, less communication or more discordance’s than usual. This is clearly shown by a study performed by the University of Texas in 2001. In the study, it was discovered that among 156 couples that were married 13 years ago, more than 56% are now unhappily married or divorced. What is even more revealing is that all of those couples stated that the first 2 years of marriage foreshadowed their current situation.

But couples rarely heed these early warnings and then children come and everything seems to be just as perfect as it was at the beginning. However, in most cases things start to degrade again little by little, and slowly partners start to hurt each other more frequently until neither of them can go on anymore. The next inevitable step is divorce, and even though it might hurt at first, hopefully the love for the children keeps things running smoothly, regardless of any hard feelings between the parents.

Holidays such as Father’s Day can put a strain on even amicable divorces and can wreak havoc on less than amicable ones, but there are many ways in which you can minimize the impact on you and especially on your children, since they still love their father.

It all starts with respect, and even if you and your husband didn’t end the relationship on good terms, you still respect each other as parents. Dr. Phil believes this is the most important thing that is needed to preserve a good relationship between your children and their father. In time, this respect will help you separate the feelings you have for your ex-husband from the ones that you have for the father of your children. While he might have being awful at one aspect, it doesn’t mean he does not love your children or that he is not a great father, and this will always be something worth considering.

That said, Father’s Day celebrations provide you with a unique opportunity to strengthen your bond with your children by letting them help you choose a gift for their father.

Something that worked really well for me last year was to agree to meet for lunch at a lively restaurant where it was easy for everyone to be in a good mood. After lunch, we all took a short walk together and then I let my ex-husband take the children for the rest of the afternoon. I also let him bring them over to my place, where he put them to bed and even read them a bedtime story.

Even if you hate your ex-husband, all of this can take place with minimum participation from you, while still showing both him and your children that you foster nothing but respect for them.

Remember: even though things might have ended badly, your ex-husband is the reason you are a mother in the first place. Just try to remember the aspects that you respect about him and bring those feelings out during days such as Father’s Day. He will hopefully notice that you are thankful for your children. But most importantly, your children will learn that a separation does not mean the end of their world, and they can still enjoy the love of their parents, regardless of their circumstances.

Most importantly, this will also teach your children an invaluable lesson: that despite their parents’ differences, they both love them so much that they allow them to be free to love both mom and dad.