Congratulations, you are now hitting the reality stage in marriage. Fortunately, every couple experiences this stage and may have difficulty transitioning. One challenge is managing social media and technology, which is a growing problem in this stage and if not addressed can produce serious distractions. Matter of fact, Sherry Turkle wrote a book titled Alone Together, which discusses how technology is causing individuals to lose interpersonal skills and rely more and more on technology to compensate for those skills. This is definitely a major cultural shift that you along with others are experiencing. It only takes a few tune-ups to keep this shift from harming your relationship.
First, understand that you cannot MAKE her give you the relationship you desire. This is accomplished by two people who want the relationship to improve. Sherry would say that your wife could be having a “risk free” affair which means relying on technology to satisfy emotional vulnerabilities without consequences. This same effect happens with kids, watching TV, and day to day activities. Finding a balance between family, couple, and INDIVIDUAL time is the key. Make sure and schedule each one using a calendar and set clear boundaries to avoid distractions.
Another issue to address is the relationship’s vulnerabilities. Is there something NOT happening in the relationship that makes it easier to become occupied with other things? For example, if you are not helping around the house then she could take that couple time and use for individual time. If she fails to communicate her thoughts, then her vulnerabilities can turn into enmeshment with family members outside of you. Break this cycle by sharing your feelings and LISTENING to hers. This helps align your views on maintaining a healthy relationship with hers.
Losing interest in your spouse can become scary, but NOT doing something is even scarier.
The best thing that you can do is to sit down and talk to her in a non accusing fashion and tell her what you have told us here. Remind her that she is stuck in Mommy mode and you miss the wife mode.
By the way, it would behoove you to learn some more about how to sexually please her. According to Kinsey, 78% of married women over thirty have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. Usually it is because she is BORED in bed with you. Women need way more foreplay than do men. Men approach sex in a matter of fact fashion like you do masturbation.
No woman wants to used like a piece of meat but wants to still be romanced.
Be more proactive; instead of watching her spending time elsewhere; produce things you can do together. Chances are, she’s using those other mediums as a way to keep herself busy so that she doesn’t have to think about the fact that you two never spend time together. Instead of asking her, “What do you want to do”, tell her, “Baby, I made reservations for us tonight” or “I bought us tickets for your favorite movie”.
She’ll be happy that you took initiative, and be more likely to reciprocate in the future!
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I agree with John’s statistic about married women over thirty! I think women are the one’s who are more bored with their husbands, but they deal with it differently. Like, turning to the computer, or other things, or staying preoccupied with the kids. Let’s face it, to keep a relationship going after 10 or 20 years, we’re going to have to change things up and put a little more into it! And men, don’t forget that women in their late thirties sometimes get a second wind for sex! Don’t be too ‘bored’ to miss out on that!
i think all three answers are good, but i like charlie’s the best. she is probably avoiding an issue that is bothering her by spending her time online or with the kids. maybe she is stressed about finances, or she thinks you aren’t finding her attractive anymore. women are intuitive, and if you are at the point of asking experts about the relationship, chances are she knows something is up but is too afraid to talk about it.
my advice: arrange a sitter so you can take her out. go to dinner, and TALK! tell her you love her and you feel like she is shutting you out, and you just want to be close to her again. and mean it. if she knows you love her she will not feel so insecure about what she is dealing with, and hopefully she’ll share it with you.
also, make time for sex. make her feel like you desire her, and she will want to be desirable to you.
make an effort, and you will hopefully be duly rewarded