I don’t want to judge, but there’s a good chance that after 30 years of sex with the same person you might have fallen into a routine, and if you talk about it with her you might find out it feels like a routine to her too. Men have to remember that desire for sex is usually different for women, and oftentimes it takes her longer to get aroused. Men usually have one goal and that’s to climax, but women can enjoy sex and intimacy with or without orgasm under the right conditions. And so if yours is a repetitive routine try a different approach!
I suggest that you look for ways to make it crystal clear that her
desires are at the basis of whatever you do. Why not plan an evening in a hotel. Tell her to dress up and treat her to a wonderful dinner at a quaint, new restaurant. Don’t drink too much! At the hotel have a nice bottle of light wine. You should have packed her a new tastefully sexy negligee in advance. Treat her like a princess and tell her how much you appreciate her. Don’t rush the sex but don’t wait too long either. If she likes cunnilingus go to that after you’ve had some kissing and caressing. By now, she should be very appreciative of your efforts and be receptive. Start intercourse in a normal position and then suggest trying a different position. Make it her night and if she likes toys, bring a new one. This is the time to please her and not focus on you. If the evening goes well, she’ll take care of your needs and look forward to the next surprise outing!
If you are on a tight budget an outing can be just as fun in your own home – it will just requires imagination. One time my husband took some glow in the dark stars and designed a silhouette of my torso on the ceiling and interspersed other stars here and there to disguise his artwork. He also used the stars to spell out my name and the words “I love you.” Once I discovered it, this was his meal ticket for several years! If we argued I’d think of that gesture and we’d make up. It also acted as a hot trigger to get me thinking about intimacy. He had no idea that it would have this lasting and powerful effect, but he certainly welcomed the attention that it got him! So my advice is get your imagination in gear and come up with something that you suspect will surprise and shock her in a most positive way!
Some people really like surprises, but when it comes to this subject, in my opinion it’s best to not take the surprise approach. Springing a sex toy or new move on her while you’re in the middle of lovemaking might get you a night on the sofa alone.
Incorporating new bedroom moves or sex toys isn’t a statement on the adequacy of past sex but rather an affirmation of your respective comfort and safety with exploring new ideas and territory with each other. Unfortunately, however, some people hear such suggestions as a judgment instead of an opportunity. Additionally, we typically have a ton of preconceived ideas about what’s okay and what’s not okay in the bedroom, and if you’re unsure how she might respond, proceed slowly. Because you haven’t discussed it before, you’re not privy to her assumptions about it, and without a healthy dose of consideration, this conversation could go south very quickly.
Since you two haven’t traveled down this path before, it’s important to queue up the conversation so it doesn’t sound like you haven’t enjoyed first 30 years of your sex life. Here are some thoughts to get you started:
- Honor the past. Affirm your enjoyment of your past lovemaking and how close and special it’s been over the years.
- Look for ways to intensify. Ask her what she enjoys the most about your lovemaking and if she’s ever wondered about how to intensify that experience.
- Confirm needs: Explore what you both are comfortable with in terms how to intensify the experience.
- Go slow. Work together. Suggest to her that you two start slowly. Perhaps do some research, read about options, play Tokii DiscoveryGames to help you both get clear on your comfort level.
Just remember this is a process. You two have built up many years worth of trust with each other so focus on how it’s a journey where you can explore together. What you two might discover about the options and each other may just surprise you and give you two a chance to see each other in new, exciting ways. Research shows when we do new things we become more open minded and receptive and such experiences can create a whole new dimension to your relationship that might otherwise go undiscovered.
1. Give your partner a surprise and make it all about them.
2. Trying new things is an opportunity and not a judgment of the past.
3. Talk about your respective interests, needs, and desires to keep it fresh and new between you two.
If surprises are your partner’s thing and you have a good idea about how open they’ll be to a surprise like this then make it all about them as Karla suggested. If this is unchartered water, then skip the surprise and create a dialogue about interests, needs, and desires as Alison suggested. Trying new things can be fun and exciting especially when you two have the benefit of many years worth of trust and experience.
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