Posted by
Ask Tokii

Flirting in the office is to be expected. Work gets boring sometimes, and if you did not have a mini-work crush then it would be even more boring! She might enjoy the attention she gets, but that does not mean she is thinking of leaving you or having an affair. Statistically there is a 40 percent chance of an affair happening, but that doesn’t mean she will  set aside your jealousy if there’s no evidence she’s stepping out.

Try being interested and engaged in her work life. Listen and respond, but be sure to not multi-task when she’s talking. Find out what she enjoys the most about work and her colleagues. She’ll likely talk to you about far more meaningful things than she ever would her colleagues because you listen and respond when they wouldn’t or won’t and because you have a deeper, more intimate relationship. There are probably things she CAN’T talk to them about. Be her sounding bored so she always knows she has a “safe” base to return to. Also remember while she and her colleagues share common interests, she doesn’t LIVE with them. She lives with you and she does so for a reason, which is likely because she loves you and enjoys being with you.

You said you have nothing in common. Maybe it’s time to focus on finding something you have in common or rediscovering each other again. Spending energy on being jealous doesn’t solve your problem. Use that energy instead on wooing her again!

It’s not silly at all. Instead it sounds like you feel left out. It seems you are genuinely happy she is happy with her work and colleagues, but feel worried she might be having more fun with them and feel more interested in them than you.

It doesn’t sound like she’s going to change her situation anytime soon so it’s best to find a middle ground. If you don’t have a lot in common, then do more of the things you do have in common. Take turns doing the things she likes to do and vice versa. Committed relationships are never 50/50, and it’s common for both people in the relationship to have outside interests. If there’s no evidence that she’s unhappy at home, then focus on enjoying the time you do have together and making sure there’s a lot of quality to it.

To address the possibility of feeling left out, join them for lunch when possible. You said you sometimes go out with them in the evenings. Try hosting a get together at your house. Ask them over from time-to-time. Meet their wives/partners. When we spend a good portion of the day with certain people, it’s natural to be more inclusive and get to know our colleague’s partners. You might find you have a lot in common with some of her co-workers and/or their partners.

Another thing to consider is how acquainted she is with your colleagues. Does she know them? Do you invite her to your work outings? Do you invite your colleagues over to your house? If you don’t expose her to your work and colleagues, maybe she assumes you don’t care to socialize or be exposed to hers.

The point is to find ways to share your respective interests and to take turns. It’s also important to keep an open dialogue when you have a concern with an external activity. It’s fine for men and women to have their respective opposite gender friends, but it’s also appropriate to speak up the moment there is a concern and to have ground rules for when you both are out with the opposite sex.

Neither of you can actually stop the other from getting involved with someone else, but you can structure those relationships to remove the temptation or potential. Open lines of communication are important.

Be involved in each other’s work life on some level. Work is a big part of our life so it’s important to be aware, supportive, and somewhat involved. Because people spend the bulk of their waking hours at work, it’s easy to begin thinking intimate partners don’t have much in common. The more likely reality is that they DO have things in common, but they are spending less time doing those things. Set up “sacred” times for just the two of you. Work life gets nurtured daily. It’s important to nurture home life as well.

1. Don’t jump to conclusions in the absence of evidence.

2.Marriage is never 50/50. Take turns doing the things you both like.

3.Stay involved in each other’s work life and have ground rules when out with the opposite sex.

If you enjoyed this post, check out our other Ask Tokii’s.