Let me play the Devil’s advocate for just a moment. Think back. Have you ever tuned out while having sex? Maybe you mentally ran through a to do list, a shopping list, etc? Perhaps you’ve even caught yourself solving an important problem while having sex? FYI, that’s quite normal. If your response is “No,” then you are more focused than most of us!
Our research indicates what we know to be true – having sex is not always a 50/50 sharing! It’s okay for one partner to be selfish from time to time. It’s also important that it be reciprocal. Sometimes a quickie can be quite satisfying (more likely for the guy but if you are the driver and it’s done right, it can give you a great sense of power) while at other times the lingering skin on skin slow seduction can be a very gratifying duet! If you’ve been passive in the past, perhaps he has erroneously concluded that this is how you like it!
Why not shock him into your reality by being the aggressor! Shove him onto the bed and use his body as your masturbating tool and let him know it is all about you! Keep the lights on, wear sexy lingerie, maybe even play an erotica video, but above all else take charge and pleasure yourself! If he fails to react positively and asks for the ‘old routine’ then be honest with him and tell him that you do not want to replace him with a ‘pocket rocket’ but unless he sees your side of it, that’s exactly what you’ll do. The risk is you might be less available for him!
He might get peeved & be grumpy, but it’s important that he understands he’s not meeting your needs and if he did, he’d likely see more interesting two-way action! Also some men are not very experienced in understanding a women’s body or her needs. Reading an erotic story or two from Tokii Tales out loud to him might get him thinking and doing a little more research about how to please you.
Associations are powerful things. It’s through observation and associations that we learn, grow, and discover what works and what doesn’t work for us. This applies to anything in life including sexual arousal.
What sexually arouses each of us varies considerably. Often early in life people find something that simply “works” for them, and while they may branch out into trying other things, they tend to find their way back to it. One woman, for example, could only have an orgasm when she masturbated with her vibrator, which she only did in secret. Because she didn’t think her partner would be open to adding a toy to their sex life, she stopped wanting to have sex with him but didn’t explain why.
Her partner felt confused, angry, and shut out. His deepest desire was to help her feel happy and satisfied, and this situation left him feeling disconnected from her. When she finally did share her secret with him, he appreciated she needed “help” and told her didn’t want to replace it but instead just wanted to be part of the process. This surprised her because she really thought it would be a turn off for him. They were able to work out the integration of the vibrator into their sex life by learning about sex toys together and experimenting.
The point of sharing this situation is to give perspective. It sounds like you’re feeling left out of giving and receiving pleasure. Sex is extremely important to the bonding process of a couple and the experiences can solidify a connection that the couple can use through good times and through bad. When one or both partners is feeling dissatisfied with their sex life and they don’t discuss it, in time there’s a risk of it spilling over into other parts of the relationship.
The best thing to do is not put off talking about it. Waiting will only further deepen your hurt and feeling of disconnection. Appreciate what works for him, but talk about how you can both participate. Share what makes you feel good and how he can help with that. Understand that your “associations” are going to be different so taking turns in supporting what works best for both of you is essential.
1. Sex is not always 50/50. There’s give and take in every situation.
2. Take control. Be clear about what you both want and need sexually.
3. Your respective “associations” for sexual satisfaction are different so taking turns in supporting what works best for both of you is essential.
Knowing what you like and don’t like is one thing. Communicating that to someone else is quite another. You can “show” your partner with being more assertive and taking control of your bedroom activities as suggested by Karla. If that’s not your style and you’re not sure how to get started with this conversation, try playing a game suggested here or write a story for TokiiTales that illustrates what you’d like to experience.
Games and stories can be a great icebreaker for a couple. Because of the emotional investment we have in our relationship, it feels riskier to be so open and candid so use games and articles as a catalyst for wading into such topics. But as Alison noted for the emotional and physical health of the relationship, it’s imperative that a situation like this be addressed as soon as possible before it has a chance to spill over into other aspects of your relationship.
If you liked this post, you should check out our other Ask Tokii Posts