You’re not alone. ABC News reported: “About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone — that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances.”
One thing about which nearly everyone can agree: Not everyone can agree! (About sex toys, that is…) The fact is, some couples love to use pleasure-enhancing devices; others don’t use them at all, report great sex lives and are turned off by the whole idea of battery-operated “assistance”; and some couples are split smack down the middle (one likes the idea, one may not). Therefore, it’s reasonable to wonder how to approach this fairly delicate topic with your husband.
Here are 3 points to consider:
- Communication. It isn’t just a must outside of the bedroom. It’s a must all the time. There’s no way around it. Though admittedly it takes a while to reach that level, ideally you and your husband should eventually be able to talk about intimacy as easy as you can talk about the electric bill. As for spicing things up, take a leap of faith that you’ll be able to get through the conversation successfully (even if you aren’t sure of the outcomes). This brings me to the next point:
- Honesty. Though you certainly aren’t the first (nor will you be the last) to fake your pinnacle moment, it isn’t recommended. Though the faux-climax is usually delivered with the best of intentions, deception in any form usually comes around to haunt people – especially people in partnerships. And once trust is broken, it’s a long (usually uphill) road getting it back. Additionally (which, by the way, it sounds like you’re finding), the longer you deceive your husband that he’s doing all the right things, the more you back yourself into a corner, far away from reality (and real, live, awesome pleasure) for the long haul.
- Transition. Speaking of pleasure, before you jump to “So honey, can we do it tonight?—and I was thinking I could use a vibrator—What say?!”… Take some time to consider a stepping stone option. Employ a little patience and take some time to become much closer to your husband sexually. Some things you can do: Take the initiative to do some small (but different) things to build upon what he and you already know and are comfortable with – your two bodies. Examples: Lick his chest. Take the lead on switching positions. Wear a “pretty nightie” he hasn’t seen before. There is no particular timeframe for this, but as you gradually become closer, talk to him in the moment. (Okay, there aren’t a lot of things all people agree on, but hundreds of articles in Cosmo’s archives will confirm: Men love when their ladies talk naughty!). If you are comfortable enough to talk openly during sex, transfer the trust building and closeness outside of the bedroom. When the time feels right feel him out about the topic of sex toys. If he bristles up and suggests that only losers use them, that’s your cue to back away from the topic for a while. If his curiosity seems piqued (more likely), ask him if he’d enjoy watching you “warm up for him” a little bit. And… voila!
Worst case scenario, he won’t be into introducing outside things just yet, but because of your increased communication and trust building, you and he are closer in and out of the bedroom. Also, you never know. You just might find the vibrator isn’t quite as critical once you are able to talk more openly with one another during sex. With the ability to communicate openly, collaboratively, sizzlingly… you may find you’ll be able talk him right through to your (genuine) and mind-blowing orgasm. And I’d be willing to bet – he’ll be into it.
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