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Ask Tokii

Dear Red:

If you try to get Brian to stop altogether, you’ll be accused of coming between him and his dad, which will lead to all sorts of new troubles you don’t even want to contemplate. Instead, choose among these options, none of which is perfect–but, then, neither is marriage.

1. Say nothing further and be glad he’s confiding in his dad rather than his best buddy or, heaven forbid, his ex-girlfriend.  At least Dad has a stake in your happy marriage and might even impart some decent advice that helps both of you. And here’s more good news: if his relationship with his dad taught him to be so open and frank about everything, then you’ll get to reap the benefits of his communication skills many times over throughout your marriage.  Seems to me that the upside far outweighs the downside here.
2. Talk to him about your discomfort again—but tread lightly.  Make all the right noises about respecting his special relationship with Dad, and add that you feel a husband and wife have a special relationship, too – meaning some things should remain private.  Confess that his dad knowing so much about your sex life embarrasses you, and ask—but don’t insist—that he self-censor his confidences, for your sake. (Of course, here you run the risk of him saying that your girlfriends know too much and that embarrasses him. You might have to strike a deal to keep the nitty-gritty entirely between you two, and if you really need advice consult a pro rather than family and friends.)
3. Stop using sex to punish him.  That way, you won’t have anything to be ashamed of.  Restricting sex until everything between you is “perfect” is a surefire way to breed distrust and turn intimacy into a barter.  Worse, it implies that you “do sex” for your man as a prize when he’s good – not for your own pleasure. Otherwise, why would you ever deny yourself something so yummy?   And if it’s not yummy – well, perhaps you need to pay more attention to feeding your own desires. When you get as much out of sex as your husband does, you’ll have far less incentive to withhold it.
   Try playing our Communication His Way and Communication Her Way DiscoveryGames with your partner:
   

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