Talking about expectations, desires and boundaries is the best way to ensure a good time for all. But, before you leap into bed with your pals, have a private sit-down with your wife and discuss what you’re both seeking from the experience, what you would prefer not to do or don’t want the other to do, and, of course, what you definitely do want to do if you set up a date. Also, be sure to choose a “safe word” that either of you can invoke at any time, for any reason—no blame, no shame—to halt the action if you become uncomfortable. Everybody needs a good “stop sign” so that there’s no mistaking what you really mean in case your lips say “no” while your body seems to be expressing something entirely different. Once you and your lady-love are in sync, suggest a coffee date with your friends to discuss their wishes and parameters, share yours, and ensure that all four of you are clear Ok with each other’s limits.
A friend who is an experienced swinger once gave me this bit of advice to offer couples experimenting with threesomes or foursomes: “Do everything you want to do and not one damn thing you don’t!” I think that’s the best mantra you could take with you to the party. The whole point of this endeavor is adventure and pleasure—not obligation, intimidation, or discomfort. If you don’t make this experience remarkable, you shouldn’t make it at all.
If you are looking for more advice from Dr. Joy, check out our Ask Tokii’s here!