Dazed and Confused,
I have one word for you…boundaries. Some may call it expectations and others may call it standards. What you call it is irrelevant but what’s important is having them. Boundaries will determine how the relationship will move forward.
While dating, there is an intense battle over relationship boundaries. How to deal with past companions, should cell phones be locked, what amount of time is utilized for independent time, along with a plethora of other boundaries. Once these boundaries are established they rarely break until one becomes unpleased.
Now, regarding your concern with Grindr. What type of boundary will you set? If you have a concern with him viewing the site, then express those worries. If he accepts your request and unconsciously says, “hey, I like our relationship and respect you enough to leave the site“, then you’re building a strong relationship foundation. Those answers dictate someone with flexibility which is important for relationships. If he declines your request and says, “hey, I found you there and love the site. I’m not getting off“, indicates I don’t have much flexibility and may not like you enough to leave a site where I found you and possibly could find someone else. If you choose to continue the relationship despite his decline to leave the site then you are allowing him to set those boundaries. His boundaries could mean I can talk to whoever I want when I want.
Here’s what you should do:
- First, set boundaries that are important to you. If you feel disrespected you have the right to inform your partner and receive validation.
- Second, make sure you are communicating the importance of your boundaries. They must make sense for your partner to accept and sustain in the future .
- Third, don’t be fearful to lose your partner. This fear will allow you to ignore your boundaries despite the importance.
- Fourth, leave intimacy out the boundary setting phase. Intimacy often causes distortion and failure to create clear boundaries.
If you fail to practice these four tips then you will remain dazed and confused. Don’t stay in this gray area. Build strong boundaries and you will make strong decisions.
Until Next Time, Charlie.
Charlie Recommends These DiscoveryGames – discover yourself and your partner on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level and have fun while doing it.
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